


Moonlight, Libraries and Sirius Black's Stupid Face.

by AmbivalenceForBreakfast



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Fingerfucking, Humor, Light Bondage, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Smut, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-02-13 13:22:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2152311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmbivalenceForBreakfast/pseuds/AmbivalenceForBreakfast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their love came in different ways. Remus saw, felt and vaguely knew most of them.<br/>He knew the weird love. He knew the uncomfortable, achy love. He knew the dark, disgusting love, that crawled under his nails and stayed set.<br/>He knew Sirius, he knew the Moon, but really, Remus didn’t know much at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Of course, I don't own anything etc.  
> Kudos would be lovely, and I'd sell my soul for feedback.  
> This is my first story. I apologize for any dodgy formatting, and I hope everyone enjoys it! :)  
> AFB~

Sirius, Remus and James all crouched around the fire, clutching a bottle of firewhisky and quietly giggling like little girls. McGonagall stalked around the room like a provoked tiger, completely oblivious to the cloaked boys in the corner. However, just because she couldn’t see them, didn’t mean she couldn’t hear them. Therefore, when James let out a particularly loud snort, Remus dug his bony elbow into his ribs. The boy shoved a fist in his mouth, blocking out a yelp as the panther whirled around with suspicious eyes.

McGonagall always had a knack for sensing these kinds of pranks. She inexplicitly seemed to know when James and Sirius were causing havoc. Remus actually thought she secretly liked them, despite giving them dozens of detentions. However, he had no doubt that if she caught them all, they would lose all of their free time this side of Christmas. Hence why they were all wincing in fear at the slightest sound they made. There was one narrow escape when Sirius nearly tripped over the lump curled at their feet known as Peter. He had passed out after his third butterbeer.

As soon as McGonagall was gone, James and Sirius disintegrated into laughter. Remus threw the cloak off, breathing in the cool air.

“It’s bloody boiling under that thing!”

James straightened up, rubbing his back where he had been hunching. Remus could remember a time when they could all comfortably fit under the cloak, before James grew taller than a giant and Sirius decided to gain muscles like rugby balls.

“Never mind that you stupid git, my ribs hurt.”

“Aw, does ickle Prongs need a massage?” Sirius interjected, cooing and sticking out his bottom lip.

“Massage this, sod” James shot back, and in an instant, the two boys were wrestling while Remus looked on like an amused mother. When they were finished, James’ eyes were watering from the pin Sirius put him in, and Remus had turned his attention to more important things. Namely, their unconscious friend, who had just started snoring,

“Uh…I suppose we should…drag him?” Remus suggested hesitantly. Sirius snorted.

“Levitate him, mate”

“But Sirius, you’re not exactly-” James tried to reason, but Sirius had already whipped out his wand. The sleeping Peter shot in the air, hitting and ceiling with an almighty bang and flopping down to the floor like a dead fish. The three boys immediately scrabbled for the cloak, already hearing McGonagall thundering back down the corridor.

McGonagall was, needless to say, even more furious than the first time. When she finally left, she was still muttering and murderously adjusting her nightcap. James and Remus both simultaneously elbowed Sirius.

“Ow!”

“You complete idiot!”

“Moron! Levitate him, really!?”

By the time they had dragged the rather substantial weight of their friend up three flights of stairs, they were completely knackered. Staying trapped under the stuffy cloak certainly hadn’t helped. The room was the same as they had left it at midnight; spare the girl in Sirius’ bed. She had stretched out like a starfish, taking up all of the bed with her limbs and fluffy curls. She was even drooling a little. Remus was too tired to do anything except smirk at his friends misfortune, and loudly collapse on his bed. He fell asleep instantly, still in his robes.

 

 

 The next day Remus jerked awake, panting and writhing. This often happened near the end of the month, for the moon was vengeful. The blankets enveloped him like an unwilling birthday present smothered in wrapping paper and his ears buzzed. The sound steadily decreased in volume, until it was a steady hum. Now it was quieter, Remus could hear a quiet, distinctly feminine giggle coming from the corner of the room.

It was at times like these that Remus wished Sirius hadn’t become-as some of the girls had put it-‘devilishly charming’ over the summer. James had also attracted more female attention coming back into their sixth year, but he didn’t feel the need to have erotic misadventures every night. He only talked to girls when the ever-beautiful Miss Evans strolled by. Remus wished Sirius had such restraints, as he was growing rather tired of waking up to a mantra of giggles in all of his gangly, clumsy glory.

He was still trying to conjure up enough saliva to remove the distinct taste of what he imagined was _rotting feet_ , when the giggling pitched to a frighteningly higher volume. Apparently, unlike Remus suspected, Sirius didn’t temporarily lose all hearing when he slept. The ear-splitting frequency managed to rouse the beater, who spasmed similarly to Remus.

“Wha-? Babe, wha’yu…” Sirius mumbled incoherently, before opening bleary eyes and sitting up slightly.  Only then did he catch the sight of Remus, who was flailing like a distressed cat. Grunting, he rolled out of bed and landed on the floor with a thud.

“Oww...” he muttered, rubbing his knees before stumbling up to help Remus. Sirius was usually incredibly elegant, but in the mornings he was reduced to the same level of motor skills as a toddler. Once Remus was untangled from his sheets, Sirius helped him up like a wounded soldier and hobbled him over to the bathroom.

 This was common routine for them both near the time of the Moon. Remus hardly slept for days, his energy completely sapped from him. When he did sleep, night terrors plagued him and devilish fevers gripped his body for hours. He detested his dependency on Sirius, who always helped him casually, never pitying him. Still, sometimes Remus would be mortified, especially the times when Sirius had to help him _wash_ because his legs had collapsed under him. Those were the bad days.

Once Sirius had helped Remus to the bathroom, Remus feebly ushered him away, not wanting to look any weaker. Considering he was stood next to the ‘dreamiest boy in the school’  it didn’t take much. Remus already felt completely insignificant with his crumpled robes and shuddering body. He all but slammed the door in Sirius’ face, hearing the snort of disgust from behind it. He then promptly collapsed, his legs weak but his pride still standing. Barely.

He sat with his back against the door, merely listening as he tried to regain his strength. He heard Sirius stomp over to his bed -Sirius was notoriously heavy footed- and snap at the still-giggling girl, demanding,

“Why’d y’ laugh at ‘im?”

Remus sighed, slowly peeling off his robes. He had always known this day would come, but he didn’t quite think Sirius would be so…blunt? Angry?

The giggling short-circuited and died. He could only barely hear the girl’s timid answer,

“Sorry?”

“You heard me. Why’d you laugh at him? He was stuck in his sheets, and he was crying. How’s that funny?”

Remus reached up and felt the wet tracks on his face. Oddly, he hadn’t noticed before. Now, he cringed in mortification, kicking himself. Sirius made him sound so…weak. Well, he was weak, but he didn’t need his tall, buff friend reminding everyone of this fact.

Remus was so lost in his thoughts, he only heard half of the stammering reply,

“-didn’t mean to! It was just a joke…..”

Sirius hissed irritably.

“Well, don’t. He’s my best mate”

Then, after a considerable pause, Sirius started to stomp around the room. Remus heard rustling of material being picked up, deducing that her clothes were scattered all over the floor. He hadn’t noticed them when they dragged Peter in last night. The boy took a second to thank Merlin he hadn’t done anything completely inept, like trip over the poor girl’s bra. If anyone were to do that, it would be Remus.

 The sound of feet stomping closer cut off his thoughts completely. Remus grabbed the sink, hauling himself up just as Sirius opened the door, calling over his shoulder, “Get dressed and get out”. He then slammed the door and strode past his friend, turning the shower on to get the hot water ready. Peter’s snores, which had gone on a ceasefire, started up again, now oddly resembling a lawnmower. Remus glanced at Sirius, who was scratching his head, yawning so widely the interiors of this throat were revealed to an almost terrifying degree.

“You didn’t have to be so rude.” Remus reprimanded quietly, turning back to his reflection in the mirror by the sink. His face was so gaunt, he looked positively skeletal. He glowered in disgust. Sirius’ reflection looked unimpressed.

“Yes, I did. No-one disrespects you like that. I mean, sure, if it was just you being a goof, I’d laugh with her, but you were _crying._ That’s not right.”

The reminder made Remus angrily wipe his face again.

“Sirius, I’m not made of glass” He said through gritted teeth. He wasn’t angry at Sirius, not really. He was frustrated with himself, with his stupid body for being so useless. Sirius had always been over-protective, it was just another part of their relationship. However, Remus was finding it harder and harder to swallow. Sirius had returned from the holiday improved and better while Remus had come back weaker and sicklier. He felt almost unworthy, and it frustrated him because he and Sirius were friends, and he shouldn’t feel that way.

Sirius looked down at Remus with an odd expression on his face, before slowly blinking and scratching his head.

“Moony, I’m too tired for this. Do you want the first shower, or can I?”

“Can I?”

“Be my guest, mate. Only, don’t use all the hot water, or I’ll kick your arse”

A casual tone returned to the conversation, and all the tension in the bathroom melted away. Remus stuck out his tongue and turned his back to Sirius, yanking his boxers down his thighs. He got in the shower, ignoring Sirius as he brushed his teeth. They were comfortable with nudity in their dorm. Apart from Peter, who tried to cover his rolls of lard as best he could, the boys didn’t really care who saw what. Nudity was impossible to avoid on the full moons so they had all grown used to it. Now, when the hot water was scarce, they showered together, because everyone hated cold showers. They didn’t outright stare or anything, but they weren’t uncomfortable by each other’s presence, either.

This day seemed to be a bad one, as it only took Remus two minutes before he slipped. He tried to support himself with his hand, but it slipped, making his shoulder slam hard into the wall. In a flash Sirius was in there, supporting him and shivering as his boxers became saturated.

“Sirius, it’s fine! I just slipped, I’m fine on my own” Remus snapped waspishly, trying to bat him away.

“It’s three days until the full moon. Just shut up and let me help you”

Remus sighed in defeat and stopped wriggling, letting Sirius’ firm grip around his waist prop him up. He delicately placed his fingertips under the scarily defined jut of Remus’ ribs, as they both leant against the wall. Remus would glance up every now and then, watching Sirius’ ebony hair clinging to his cheekbones in sodden curls. Sometimes he would catch Sirius’ eye, and furtively look away, feeling guilty even though he knew no reason why.

The shower was long and fumbling, as was every times Sirius decided to ‘help’. By the time Remus stumbled out, most of the hot water was gone. It was now a slightly bareable tepid temperature. James staggered into the bathroom-if Sirius was bad in the mornings, James was a cave-man-nodding silently to Remus. Sirius was clearly recovered enough to be smug, as Remus heard him loudly crow,

“Sorry Potter, the resident wolf has used all the hot water. Have fun freezing your bollocks off!”

“Tosser” resonated the grunt, followed by the sound of James flinging himself in the shower. Loud wrestling ensued. Remus pulled his pants on, shaking his head in mild exasperation.

He had just finished dressing when Peter awoke.

“Morning!” He chirped. Peter was always insufferably cheerful in the mornings, something that Remus just couldn’t handle sometimes. He nodded, buckling his belt. Then, he looked down and hissed angrily. He had buttoned his shirt one-off. Again.

“Have a nice sleep?” Peter continued, his voice high as a yawn burst through mid-sentence. Remus gritted his teeth, trying not to snap at the boy as he did so many mornings. He knew Peter meant well, but his bones were aching and logic was the last thing tethering his emotions. He started to unbutton his shirt again.

“It was OK. You know how it is at this time…” Remus trailed off as he started to concentrate more on his shirt .

“Oh…” Remus could hear Peter clutching desperately for things to say, “uh…up for chess tonight?”

Remus finally finished the shirt, and smiled mildly at Peter, who had wrapped the blankets around himself like a sausage roll desperately trying to preserve its dignity.

“Sure. Tell those idiots I’m skipping breakfast. We all have potions essays due today”

 

 

Remus was absorbed in James’ essay when a hand gripped his shoulder. Being in a potions induced coma, he hadn’t heard the person approaching. He didn’t think it would be easy for someone to sneak up on him in such a secluded area of the library, however, he had apparently over-estimated himself. He jumped so violently he made a giant splotch where the fourth paragraph finished. Exhaling in frustration, he sent Sirius a dirty look that quickly died as a slice of toast landed in his lap. Sirius plopped himself in the opposite chair and snatched the essay.

“I’m not an idiot” He glowered childishly, smoothing out the crinkled corners of the parchment. People always assumed that because Remus was intelligent, he was also organized, punctual and neat. While all those traits often ran in a group, Remus had lucked out on that particular skill set. This explained why crumbs spewed everywhere as Remus hurriedly shoved the toast in his mouth. The corner of Sirius’ mouth twitched, but his brow furrowed as he fought his mirth.

“M’ Sorry….did I hurt your feelings?” Remus swallowed the mouthful of toast before sticking out his bottom lip, his eyes glinting in the candlelight. Sirius struggled for a second, before allowing a grin split his mouth like the rising sun. He had slightly crooked teeth, but they were exceptionally white.

“Bloody right, you did! Do you know how insulting it is when someone like Wormtail calls you an idiot? Y’know, the guy who accidently buried his own wand in Herbology.”

 Sirius was always too loud in the library. His indignance seemed to travel around every bookshelf, making irritable faces pop out from behind books and around corners. Remus eyed him frantically, hoping Sirius would get the point. It seemed he wasn’t completely socially inept, as he ducked his head slightly and glanced guiltily around.

“You are not an idiot compared to Wormtail,” Remus stated in a slow, deliberate voice. Sirius smirked and puffed out his chest like a proud little baby bird. This made Remus smile to himself, before muttering, “Compared to me, however…well…”

He trailed off and Sirius grimaced with affront, “Ok then Moony, whatever you say. We both aced our O.W.L's, so  shut up and eat your damn toast. We’ve got essays to finish”

The two boys finished all four of the one thousand word essays, only turning up to potions twenty minutes late. Slughorn didn’t even look up as they both burst in, continuing to grind whatever foul mixture was flooding the room with a pungent smell.

“-As you know, class, the Befuddlement Draught it easy on principle, yet entirely intricate in its process. If you blend the Scurvy Grass to a  certain degree, the juices will saturate the fine Lovage powder, thus rendering it useless. Speaking of useless, Black and Lupin, if you would kindly sit down instead of gawping like buffoons… ”

They both scurried to their seats like frightened mice, distributing the fraudulent essays to Prongs and Wormtail as they passed them. When they finally sat down, Slughorn looked up with an evil little smirk twisting his face. Remus knew he was just waiting to share whatever fine witticism he had conjured up in his tiny, potions-centric brain. He had a theory that most teachers who specialized in something to a genius degree had very little brain matter for anything else; this included Slughorn’s mortification of anyone who was late. His jabs were repetitive and clichéd, yet Remus had to give it to the sly fox, he knew where to hit home.

He kept it short this time, merely turning back to the board and scratching the ingredients in dusty chalk lines, while calling over his shoulder in a exaggeratedly callous shout,

“One can only shudder to imagine why these two fine young lads are late. I’m beginning to suspect they have more unsavory subjects they’d rather study than potions ”.

The overt innuendo lacing through his voice made the whole class guffaw loudly, with the raspy repetative laughter of the Slytherins leading the way. Remus was at the back, yet the mortification still made him sink in his chair, his nose practically touching the top of his desk. He felt extremely lucky that he never seemed to be able to blush, no matter how humiliated he felt. The same wasn’t applicable to Sirius, who had gone a slight pink. Remus saw the boy at the front turn around, his eyes set with determination yet his smile relaxed. He lewdly winked at Remus, adding a disturbing lick of his lips for dramatic effect. It was so over-the-top, it almost looked like Sirius was having a seizure.

However, it worked. The class’ laughter pitched, and Slughorn’s expression soured, as children slapped the desks and howled. Sirius had the wit and conviction to turn anything that happened in his favor, hence why he was idolized by so many people. It took Slughorn several minutes to call order, and even then, some people were still wiping away tears of laughter from their eyes.

Remus didn’t know why his heartbeat doubled during that lesson.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies that this is so late, my friends! I'd like to thank you all for the kudos and bookmarks I've received, it means a lot to a rookie like myself ^_^
> 
> This chapter doesn't have a beta, so I also apologise for any typo's or odd phrasing. 
> 
> My creative license means not everything is canon compliant. 
> 
> Warning: sexual content present in this chapter.  
> Lastly, I own nothing from Mr. Rudyard Kipling. Just to disclaim.  
> ~AFB

The next day Remus woke up feeling considerably worse, for it was the Moon in two days. The air in his lungs tasted stale as he gasped like a dying man. He had fresh scratches all over his abdomen and chest. They weren’t wolf scratches, but it didn’t matter. The wolf was coming, trying to crawl out of him when he slept. This always happened near the full. He became more animalistic when he slept, as he had no petty human conscience to pin his mind down. He would thrash, rip his clothes, whimper and salivate, stuck in a limbo of nightmares and thin wakefulness.

He rolled out of bed and staggered. His balance was off and his head was lighter than a feather. It was most probably filled with feathers and nothing else. He could see the blurry shape of his tattered bed and the wet patch of sweat imprinted by his back.

Luckily, this time, Sirius had no female friends to wake his deep slumber. Remus could barely contain his relief as he bolted to the bathroom and threw up stomach acid. His watch told him it was five in the morning. Hoping he wouldn’t wake the others, he jumped in the shower straight away, letting the cold water shock his rather slow and useless system. Blood pulsated from his head to his dick as Remus groaned, his hands buried in his hair and tugging lightly. His sweaty forehead was plastered to the wall as water ran around his face and down his body. Morning wood combined with a moon-induced migraine was never fun.

By the time his headache had dulled to a low thrumming, his hard-on had become almost unbearable. He lightly wrapped a fist around himself, leaning all his weight on his forehead as his arousal peaked. He could feel the heat radiating from his cock, seeping into his fingers as he picked up pace. The water slid down it in painfully cold droplets as he started to piston into his tight fist. He had no finesse anymore, as he started to rut, his head turned sideways and his teeth sunken in his cheek. His back and shoulder blades flexed as his legs started to tremble. His eyes were fixated on the door, heavy lidded with arousal as his unchecked brain ran amok. What would happen if Sirius came in right now? If his dear friend saw him with his arse out, humping like a pathetic dog. Would he be disgusted? Scared? _Excited?_

_Would he make Remus his whore?_

_Would he touch him, tease him as he saw fit? Would he grab Remus by the wrists and pin him like a bitch in heat? Whisper things in his ear while Remus twitched and writhed, Sirius’ long wet hair clinging to his neck as the older boy fuc-_

Remus came with a sharp exhale, his knees shaking as shivers wracked up and down his body. The water was warming up slowly, relaxing his trembling muscles. He stood back and blinked, staring at the semen slowly diluting and dripping down the wall with the spray of the shower. His mind was numb, yet there was a feeling rising from his gut, flooding through his lungs and inching its way up his throat. Then, the feeling slipped out as he moaned. It was more of a rumble, yet it was audible and dripping with shame.

Remus spent the next twenty minutes scrubbing desperately at the wall, trying to remove semen that was no longer there.

By his stupid logic, if he scrubbed hard enough, it would almost be as if it never happened.

 

 

It took the rest of the Marauders six more hours to resurface, and when they did, the morning routine continued as it always did. Sirius and James stumbled and grunted and Peter chirped. Remus sat quietly curled in his bed waiting, a mug of tea in one hand and a book in the other. Finally, by Eleven-Thirty, James finally managed to utter the first words of the day.

“How long’ve you been up?”

“Too long” Remus’ reply was non-committal. He chose to ignore the looks of concern Peter and James were sending him. Sirius was too busy ruffling his hair into tussled perfection (as he liked to call it) to send him a glance. After about half an hour, they finally managed to drag Sirius away from the mirror and they all headed down to lunch. Remus secretly thought, if he wasn’t rooming with them, they’d sleep the entire weekend away.

 

 

 It was a Saturday, so the Marauders had a whole day to lazily lie around. That was how they found themselves basking in the sun by the lake.  James and Sirius were by the water, trying to lure The Giant Squid out with several brightly coloured sparks and enchanted pebbles. Remus and Peter were playing cards and idly chatting.

“Did you hear about Marlene?”

Remus held back a sigh and counted his aces. Three. Hm.

Peter had been infatuated with Marlene McKinnon for so long it was either entirely romantic or exceptionally creepy. Remus was more inclined to believe in the latter, but he never had the heart or guts to tell the small, pudgy boy. Marlene was plain in a lovely way, with limp blonde hair framing her face and a small physique. She was not blatantly attractive, yet she had an open heart and a voice made of honey.  Peter had been pining for her ever since second year, even after she had acquired Fabian Prewett as a boyfriend.  Peter idolized her, staring after her whenever she left a room and sighing quietly. However, not only was Marlene happy in her relationship, but, as far as Remus knew, she didn’t even know Peter existed.

Remus absent-mindedly placed a seven of diamonds down, still pondering the situation as Peter snatched it up. He thought it was odd, really. James and Peter were in the same situation, yet seen entirely differently. James was determined to make Lily his, yet Remus supported him, in a strangely pitying way. However, when he saw Peter stare at Marlene from the other side of the Quidditch pitch, it made his stomach twist and an uncomfortable feeling of _scorn_ fill his gut. He didn’t know why.

Maybe it was because James’ cheekbones created larger shadows on his face, and his body was leaner. Maybe the blessing of aesthetic appeal cast his actions in an odd, rosy light. Remus had thoughts like these from time to time, and he hated them. They made his stomach acid curdle.

Just as Remus was thinking this, Peter set down an Ace of Clubs. Grinning, Remus picked it up, then placed his cards down

“Rummy”

The look of displeasure that flitted across Peter’s face was almost comical. The boy hated to lose. He grumpily gathered up the cards and started to shuffle them. Remus lay back and closed his eyes, letting the sunlight dust his face and eyelids. If he was entirely honest, he preferred winter. He loved the sound of rain, the rustling of leaves in the wind and the feeling of a warm mug of tea between his thighs. However, he could completely appreciate the sunlight at that moment. It made him drowsy and defenseless, yet completely happy in a shadow-less way. He found hard to achieve that sort of peace near the Moon.

He could hear his friends talking, yet it was muffled, like listening through water.

“Hey Pete! You coming…”

“We’re playing….”

“He’s aslee….”

“I’ll stay….”

“Come…..”

After what felt like two minutes, he felt a hand clamp his arm, and he jumped out of his skin. His head snapped wildly to the side to see a sniggering Sirius stretched out next to him, one hand behind his head and his ankles crossed.

“You nearly gave me a heart attack, you tosser!” Remus exclaimed, his heart beat shuddering and slowing down.

“I’m _so_ sorry” Said Sirius, sounding anything but. He was rewarded with a sharp kick in the shin for that comment. Wincing, he continued, “you’ve been asleep for about 10 minutes. I was getting bored.”

“Dick” Remus muttered, before sitting up and looking around, stretching his neck, “where’ve Prongs and Wormy got to?”

“Prongs dragged the spineless worm with him to finally get it done. Marlene. That is.” Sirius said, suggestively waggling his eyebrows. Remus’ eyes widened slightly.

“She has a boyfriend.”

At this, Sirius snorted a flung an arm over his eyes.

“I am aware. Unlike you, Moony, not all of as have minds in the gutter. We’re just getting him to finally talk to her” his tone was teasing and Remus huffed, lying back down next to him. He looked up at the sky, counting the different shades while inhaling the intoxicating scent of pollen and Sirius. He liked counting different colours. It distracted him from other things.

They lay like that for a while, in the companionable silence it takes many people years to achieve. Comfortable to delve into their own thoughts and let the silence surround them, because there came a point when small talk was more of an annoyance than a necessity. After a while, Sirius spoke, and his voice contained a quality Remus had never heard before. He couldn’t pin it down, yet it made the air around them vibrate pleasantly.

“Remember the first time we talked to you?” Sirius had his head tilted slightly to the side, his freakishly long eyelashes fluttering. Remus smiled ruefully.

“As if I could forget. I still feel like a plonker.”

“You are. Still.” Sirius laughed quietly, affection obvious in his voice.

 

 

_Remus was late for care of magical creatures. He’d slept in, and woke up with his face covered in chocolate. This was the downside of having a dorm room all to himself; there was no-one to wake him up if he slept too deeply._

_He was an anxious first year. Still tubby from childhood, his twisted his robe sleeves around his fingers and talked quietly. He ate chocolate a lot. It made him feel better when the nights got worse and the wolf got closer._

_He was lonely at Hogwarts, though not by choice. More inclined to think than to chatter, completely inept at Quidditch and prone to quoting old books, Remus didn’t deliberately drive people away. He was merely an old soul in a tubby body, and entirely too shy to make any real friends._

_One day he was late to Care of Magical Creatures._

_Severus had told him it was by the lake today. Remus cared about classes, and he had been late to the last two COMC lessons beforehand. There was no way he would be late for this one._

_So he ran. His robes were flying behind him and chocolate still stained his mouth. He ran down the hill towards the lake, his eyes wide and searching for the class. However, he could only see a group of three boys._

_Maybe if he hadn’t of been so focused on the three, he wouldn’t have tripped over a rock and sprawled down the hill. And boy, did he sprawl. His books and parchment flying everywhere, while his wand shot out of his hand. He started to roll, and he found he couldn’t stop. He tried to grab the floor, merely pulling up tufts of grass and mud. When he finally slowed to a halt, the world was swirling around him tauntingly, and he felt like he was going to throw up._

_He could hear laughter, then silence, then he could see glasses. Big, wide glasses._

_He narrowed his eyes and reached up, tapping the circles hesitantly. They reminded him of portholes in a ship. He had read about them in some Muggle story. Something about…’When the cabin port-holes are dark and green…because of the seas outside…the ship goes…’_

_His brain was officially mushy peas._

_The boy hauled him up into a sitting position, supporting his shoulders._

_“Are you OK?” He asked in a high, unbroken voice, “you were out for a couple of seconds. ”_

_Then, a weedy boy with long, dark hair came into view. A smirk was visible on his face, yet his eyes were concerned._

_“You’re a daft sod, running like that. You should be more careful.”_

 

Remus groaned, covering his face with his hands, “it’s so embarrassing. I can’t believe you didn’t laugh in my face.”

Sirius smirked, “oh, I did. You were just too out of it to notice.”

“Berk,” Remus mumbled, before taking his hands off his face and glancing to the side, “I must have looked like an imbecile.”

Sirius paused for a minute, before fluidly turning over onto his stomach. He rested his chin on his hand and closed his eyes.

“I’m not sure, Moony. You were a cute first year. Kind of like a lost puppy, if I remember. You still are now. ”

Remus froze slightly, staring at his relaxed face, “what do you mean?”

Sirius sighed and opened his eyes. He slowly reached across and pulled Remus’ robe down at the shoulder, while the puzzled boy looked on, his breath hitching slightly at the contact. Not that Sirius noticed. Sirius never noticed.

When Remus’ shoulder had fully surfaced from the layers of robe, Sirius reached out, trailing a pinky across the deep scar tissue. When he spoke his voice was husky.

“Do you ever wonder, Remus? What it’s be like if James, Pete and I had never skipped that lesson? If you’d never listened to Snape or if you’d never been late? Do you ever wonder...?”

He trailed off, his eyes meeting Remus’ levelly and flickering like candlelight. Remus was unsure what to say, so, Sirius continued.

“I do. All the time, I do, Moony. It’s crazy if you think about it, like, really think. Your scars. How many more scars would you have? How many more scars wouldn’t you have? It’s actually scary, if you hadn’t fallen down the hill, I’d never have known you. That freaks me out. Sure, we may have met in other circumstances but it could’ve turned out so differently. And you’ve always been there, Moony, I can’t imagine you not there. It would just be wrong...”

He broke off for a breath, then continued.

“And it makes me wonder. Because, we were strangers before, right? Now we’re best mates. Just think about all the strangers in the school, Moony. Imagine if you were talking to them and not me. Everything would be different, every thing we said and did and all that. If you think about it, you’re nothing but a compilation of the people you know. What if it wasn’t you? What if it…”

He trailed off and closed his eyes. Remus just lay there, staring up at the sun and glancing at the pensive boy. He felt the air on his shoulder, and the warm hand that was now gently clasping it.

Sirius got like that sometimes. He was an arrogant, sarcastic boy, who laughed and smirked easily. Yet, sometimes his mind got too heavy for him, and he would just talk and talk and he wouldn’t stop. It was always Remus he talked to, and Remus would listen silently, having neither the skill of speech nor the mental lucidity to put forward anything of substance.

He worried about Sirius sometimes.

Scratch that.

He worried about him a lot.

 

 

James and Peter returned after about twenty minutes. Sirius and Remus had stopped talking at that point, falling into the comfortable silence they had the ability to pertain. They only spoke when Sirius stretched his arms out so wide he brushed a hand down Remus’ side. Remus wriggled and squawked, nearly rolling on the stupid git. While Sirius only bothered to give him a smirk, he left Remus alone to his personal space. For that, Remus was glad, as sometimes Sirius would torment him with tickling for hours.

When the four were reunited, they all lay in the sun. Peter felt the need to chatter aimlessly, but the other three boys only gave him stilted, sleepy replies. Only when the afternoon started to become dim and chilly did James stand up stiffly, offering a hand each to Remus and Peter, while Sirius scrabbled up indignantly. The following wrestling match was amusing until the flying ball of pure idiot crashed through a group of first years. The flailing fists and outrageous swearing made the small boned boys scatter instantly; save for one skinny lad that only barely escaped the falling masses of muscle and violence. James’ shoulder had barged into him, knocking him flat off his feet. Remus understood how he felt, as he had certainly been _that kid_ when he was a first year.

  They got up to the castle about twenty minutes before dinner. They decided to wait in The Great Hall instead of head up to the common room. Remus always found it funny when Sirius was made to wait for food. He got a fixated expression no-one ever saw in classes as he stared into the wood, almost as if he could will food into appearing. His chin rested on his knuckles and his foot jiggled impatiently.

Sirius was getting more and more snappish by the second, and Lily had just entered the hall, so naturally James’ conversation was about as interesting as a postage stamp. Peter was just…Peter. Remus was relieved when the food arrived, reacting as if Pavlov himself trained him. Just as he was about to dig feverishly into the delicious pile of food sat in front of him, he felt a tap on his shoulder, and McGonagall pulled him to the side. Peter didn’t look up from his meal, but James and Sirius both looked curious.

Remus tried to hide his impatience, even as curiosity overtook him. If he had to say anything about McGonagall, she did get to the point.

“Your results have finally returned from Control of Magical Creatures, Lupin.”

Remus felt his ears prick up, and he completely forgot about his gurgling stomach. The Ministry had to monitor and assess his exam results over the summer. This was due to some ridiculously outdated law ruled by the old prejudiced bastards who still believed werewolves were dark creatures. Remus had to sit through everyone getting their results and pretend to be happy for them, even while curiosity drove him insane. Over time, he had slowly forgotten about it, but now his heartbeat flared and he felt sick.

Without preamble, McGonagall handed him an envelope. He thanked her hastily, before running back to his friends. His blood was rushing, and his nerves were high. He immediately hurled the envelope to Prongs, who caught it with one hand, crumpling it in a fist in a process. Remus couldn’t look at his own results, it was a weird problem he had. He just got…anxious. People thought it was odd, but his friends had slowly adjusted. Now, when they got anything back, even a simple essay, his friends automatically looked at his results before him. Then they would give the verdict of either, “Damn you and your genius, mate” or “Eh, not so good…”

James opened the envelope, ripping it in the process and elbowing Sirius who was eagerly staring over his shoulder.

“Bloody hell, Remus….”

The murmur made Remus’ heart spike, as he reached across and snatched the paper and the envelope.

**_  
_**

 

**_ Below are the ministry approved O.W.L results  _ **

Name: Remus John Lupin

 _ Condition _ _: Lycanthropy_

 _ Child Registration Number _ _: #28651_

_Transfiguration: O_

_Charms: O_

_Potions: O_

_Defense Against the Dark Arts: O_

_Ancient Runes: 0_

_Arithmancy: E_

_Astronomy: O_

_Potions: O_

_Herbology: E_

_History of Magic: O_

_Care of Magical Creatures: O_

_O-Outstanding_

_E-Exceeds Expectations_

 

 

Remus felt a smile curl his mouth, his cheeks lifting as his much-hated rarity known as dimples decided to make an appearance. He could feel his face shining with pleasure as he hugged the envelope to his chest, closing his eyes for a second as his mind flew off into a dizzy spinning of pride. He opened his eyes, placing it carefully back into the envelope, only then realizing there was a small scrap of parchment in the bottom. He pulled it out, his eyebrows furrowing as he blocked it from the view of his friends. Something told him this wasn’t meant to be here.

It had one line on it.

_While you should be proud, it would be prudent to remember what we discussed. I am sorry._

_-M.M_

None of his friends noticed that, no matter how hard Remus smiled, his hands were still shaking under the table.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, friends!  
> I hope you're all enjoying this story. Just to warn you, it starts to get particularly dark after this chapter, so enjoy the lightness while it lasts! I'd like to thank you all for the kudos, it's lovely knowing you guys like reading my stuff ^_^  
> I'm always lookin for ways to improve, so I'd be ecstatic if you gave me feedback.  
> I've lost contact with my Beta, so until I find another one, the chapters will remian unedited. I'm so sorry, I do the best I can!  
> I hope you all have a lovely day  
> ~AFB

That night, Remus went to bed stewing over his troublesome results in his mind. His friends realized something was wrong, but they also realized Remus would be unreachable. It was one of his ‘Remus-Moods’ where he was blank and compliant, drinking tea and nodding at everything they said. Help was appreciated but never truly effective. That was what led to Remus sitting in his bed, wearing his pajama bottoms inside out and clutching the book ‘Achievements in Charming’ to his chest. He had particularly struggled with the charm that turned vinegar into wine, and had been revising it almost every night. He wasn’t like James and Sirius, he didn’t understand things instantly and painlessly.

However, his mind couldn’t focus on the intricate incantations at that moment. Which was why, instead of revising like the usual sleep-stricken Remus would, he was merely pointing his wand at the words on the page, making them move and swirl around each other like inky water. Bigger words barraged through smaller words, which stayed in groups and moved as one. Sometimes two big words would collide, resulting in the smashing and discarding of stray letters and punctuation. It was completely mesmerizing and perfectly distracting.

Remus sat like that for hours, watching the pale moonlight illuminate the wriggling words. He didn’t know what time it was when he heard Sirius grunt and stumble out of bed, swearing beneath his breath as he stubbed his toe on the door. Remus tried to ignore the sound of him pissing, he bleary eyes focusing on the words. His mind seemed to disagree with this course of action, delving into the bathroom and resurfacing with the memory of a shower. It had only happened that morning, yet Remus felt disassociated with it completely. It could have happened a month ago and he wouldn’t have known the difference. He grimaced even thinking about it. If he could blush, he’d be lighting up the whole room with his cheeks.

The bathroom door creaked open and he looked up. The moonlight hit the angles of Sirius face and the curves of his hair in such a startling way, Remus could only stare, slack-jawed. Sirius looked at his own bed for a couple of seconds, before sighing lightly and turning to Remus. Trudging over, he stopped by the bed.

“Budge up”

Remus blinked, “What?”

“Budge up. I want to talk.”

It was clear by his obstinate stare that Sirius wouldn’t take no for an answer. Remus closed his book and shuffled over, lifting his blanket. Sirius’ body seemed to exude heat as it slid beneath the sheets. The sides of their thighs pressed lightly together and they didn’t look at each other, simply staring at the curtained ceiling. Sirius’ chest heaved, and his eyes flickered closed every now and then. Remus was stiff and still guilt-ridden from the memory of the shower, but he was also noticing the smell of Sirius that was subtly but steadily imprinting into his bed. He felt Sirius twitch slightly, before the boy sleepily blurted out.  


“You don’t have to tell me anything. If you don’t want to. That is.”

Remus scratched his neck, ignoring the brushing of their arms. He honestly didn’t know what Sirius was thinking. This bed was wide for one but scarily narrow for two; their bodies were flush, warm and slightly sweaty. Sirius wasn’t wearing a shirt. What part of this did he think would work, even in the slightest?

Then he grew weary of all those thoughts, stretching his thin arms above his head and yawning as they collided with the headrest.

“I’m screwed for life, Sirius”

Remus guessed it was good he was yawning. If he was lucky, he might get more than four hours sleep tonight.

When Sirius replied, he merely sounded curious.

“How’d you figure that, genius?”

At this, Remus felt a spike of resentment he had rarely felt for Sirius flare inside him. He was so beautiful, pure, and set. He was set for life. Remus was a werewolf who’d never be good enough to look him in the face.

Spurred on by this irrational feeling of anger, he rolled onto his side, facing the wall, his back to Sirius. He then reached behind him and flailed for the skinny wrist. It took him a couple of tries before he finally got it. Guiding Sirius’ hand, he placed it on his lower back. He laced his fingers through the ones he held, and moved them as he saw fit. Soon, he could feel Sirius’ long, defined fingers trailing all over him. They could feel the ridges, grooves and indentations through Remus’ thin nightshirt. The whole time, Remus faced the wall and spoke, saying the feelings he usually left alone to rot.

“Remember the riots six months back?”

Sirius silence was pointed, but not cold.

There had been a political shift in the magical world recently: a political shift by the name of Damocles. The stupid genius had announced to the wizarding world that he had invented a cure, of sorts. A magical potion to give lycanthrope sufferers conscious thought every time they turned. It was a miracle of magic and an uprising of debate. The Ministry Of Magic had quickly taken Damocles into custody, while debates rose on whether to legalise or to destroy the potion. The older generation argued vehemently against it, citing the dangers of ‘giving those animals thought as well as power’. Most of them were bigoted sods, yet what they lacked in basic empathy and logic, they made up for with numbers.

However, their opposition was fierce. Other wizards saw the potential the potion offered. Many of these wizards were also defenders of muggles, and high-standing members of the wizarding society. Dumbledore had travelled out for three days to argue for the allocation and production of Wolfsbane. However, both sides were evenly matched.

Then, the catalyst ensued. A particularly heated debate had occured in the Ministry. A rather well known wizard had said, to quote, ‘Giving these savage _dogs_ free thought loses us our one advantage. They’ll create carnage and destruction amongst the wizarding world. And, lest we forget, He Who Must Not Be Named is becoming stronger every day! Why, if we give the wolves this, we may as well be offering our women and children to the slaughter. In all of this talk of _equality_ and _rights,_ we have forgotten who and what the real dangers are.’

This particular speech, when reported word-for-word in the paper, had triggered riots unrivaled in anger since the Muggle Stonewall riots of ’69. Over five-hundred lycanthropes had gathered by the Ministry. They had burnt possessions, raided buildings and picketed for hours before running from aurors. They attacked well-known Ministry officials (all who had reputations for being discriminatory), and formed group demonstrations of protest. It lasted for five-weeks, only stopping when the official released a formal apology. By then, even the Muggles had started to notice.

These riots had been more detrimental than helpful, however. As soon as the lycanthropes stopped, the Daily Prophet had started releasing daily smear-campaigns, per request of the Ministry. They started hunting down every lycanthrope on the registry, calling them in for veritaserum based questioning. They caught two-hundred and seventy-eight wolves. Many were suspected of finding veritaserum anti-dotes, but as the Ministry could prove nothing, they were let go.

Remus, being a child under the lockdown of Hogwarts, hadn’t been questioned. However, his face had been gaunt throughout the months. It was oddly liberating to know so many of his kind were out there, yet the logical part of his mind knew rioting was a mistake.

Remus tightened his grip on the bony wrist, coming back to reality.

“When they ended, Professor McGonagall took me out of lessons for a day and told me what I already knew. Regardless of whether the cure was allowed, I won’t be employed anywhere for quite a few years. Progress in lycanthope rights have come to a stop, Sirius. What with the Daily Prophet and the after-math of the riots, most of the public think we’re vicious wolves. They think we murder people when we get angry. Do you feel these scars? It doesn’t matter how well I do in school, they’re not going to go away. I’m still a stinking wolf. ”

Remus felt himself shudder and dropped Sirius’ wrist. He curled into a ball, still facing away from the boy. He felt like he should cry, only tears seemed eternally distant, leaving him with this melancholy, soul-sucking feeling of nothing.

There was a brief pause, then the rustle of movement. Remus was so sure Sirius was leaving, so when he felt the light touch of fingertips, it shocked him. It wasn’t enough to make him jump, but just enough to make him wriggle slightly. It lightly stroked his back again, exerting less pressure now Remus wasn’t the one initiating it. The fingertips walked down to the hem of his nightshirt and slowly peeled it up. Then the flat of Sirius’ hand moved smoothly over the scarred, sweaty surface. The long-haired boy leaned forward, pressing his forehead to the back of Remus’ neck as he continued to rub, slowly. Soothingly. Sirius moved a leg forward so it was completely pressed to the back of Remus’, and slowly moved the stroking hand over to lightly clasp his hip. The whole time Remus merely lay still, shuddering and thinking and trying not to think all at the same time. Then, Sirius started to whisper. It was low and gentle, making every muscle in the wolf’s body relax.

“It’s ok, Remus. You’re fine. You’re going to get a job. Maybe as a teacher here. You could teach Charms. You’re brilliant at Charms, everyone knows that. Flitwick practically loves you. You’re not just a wolf, you’re a person. A bloody amazing person, I’ll have you know. They’ll allow the cure, and until they do, you’ll live with me. I’ll look after you, and keep you safe. You’ll have lots…”

Sirius continued talking and talking. Remus didn’t know how long the boy talked for. It might have been hours, it might have been minutes. All he knew, was he had the longest night of sleep since he could remember, and when he woke up, Sirius was gone, snoring lightly in his own bed. Peter’s snores were still loud, Remus’ tea was still sat on his nightstand (only now it was cold), and nothing had changed. Yet, Remus felt more at peace then he had since he was a child.

 

 

The next weeks passed in a blur for Remus. While his emotions stagnated and rose depending on Sirius, the moon and just, well, him, one underlying theme stayed the same; he was noticing Sirius’ eyelashes, cheekbones, and loud, rumbling laugh more often than not. His mood would plummet of heighten depending on what Sirius did, and as soon as he realized this, it started to frighten him. He felt ridiculous, which only added to his feeling of inadequacy. Not only was he scrawny and weak and collapsing every month, but he had also reverted to the mental and emotional maturity of a fourteen-year-old girl.

It was only after a conversation with James that things started to slightly clear up for him.

They were walking back from Potions together. Sirius and Peter had taken a detour to the kitchens in the hope of finding a bottle of firewhisky. James and Remus both had History of Magic next, which was the only lesson they had without Peter and Sirius. Their friends both got T’s in their O.W.L’s for it, because Peter had been ignorant and Sirius had been complacent. However, sometimes Remus felt like Sirius and Peter had the better deal. While he and James wrote pro’s and con’s lists for self-lobotomy, their friends got a free lesson to do what they wished. This ultimately concluded in drinking. When James and Remus returned, there would probably be a drop of firewhisky left, if that.

“Did you finish the essay?” James mumbled distractedly, his eyes focused on the flowing red hair walking ahead of them. Remus muttered something vague, his eyes focused on his hands. That, it turned out, was a bad approach. James might not notice people as much when they were normal, but Lily or no Lily, he always noticed when something was wrong. It was a gift and a curse depending on how much you valued privacy.

“Remus, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Just tired. New classes and all. I’m finding our new OWLS harder than I thought I would” Remus said lamely. This tipped James off even more, to the point where Remus practically saw his thoughts whirring. His back straightened and he narrowed his eyes.

“You can tell me anything, you know”

It sounded more like a command than a sentiment. Remus wanted to shrink inside himself, because he really felt like talking about it to someone. However, he knew as soon as he started talking to James, he wouldn’t stop, and then James would know everything, and Remus would be mortified later.

“James, I-“

“ _Remus”_ James had _the look_ on his face, and Remus knew exactly then that they would be late to History of Magic. Sighing, he steered James to an empty classroom. It was dusty and small and had several empty owl cages piled on top of each other in a corner. James sat on a desk, waiting expectantly while Remus shut the door. He rested his forehead on it for a bit, thinking through what he was going to say. Then, he turned around and blurted out,

“I think I’m a shirtlifter”

James’ face went completely blank, and he paused for a second, his eyes assessing Remus.

“Oh.”

“Yeah”

The silence was long, and Remus was starting to feel awkward. He was regretting even telling James, now thinking of how uncomfortable his friend would be around him from now on. Then James leant forward, tilting his head slightly, looking like his was solving a difficult puzzle,

“Sirius” He stated. Remus felt his whole system jar from shock, and he clenched his teeth, staring at the wall behind James. A spider was slowly crawling across it, trying to get back to its web. If Sirius were here, he would have shrunk into the opposite corner like a little girl. Sirius hated spiders.

“Yes, James. Sirius. Our friend. Our very, very straight friend”

James then stood up and walked forward. The hug was filled with understanding and acceptance, and Remus felt himself relax. When they stopped hugging, they both went and sat on the desk together.

“I’m not going to say I knew all along, but I guess, now you’ve told me, it makes sense. How are you feeling about it?”

Remus considered it. He had never properly thought about it.

“I don’t know. I guess I just…well. It’s not blokes. I don’t find blokes attractive, I don’t think. It’s just Sirius. He’s my best mate, and I care about him, and recently I’ve just starting thinking about him…more”

Their whole conversation was filled with pauses. The pauses, the silence, each conveying a different point with the emotion blended with the absence of noise.

“I understand”, James said, staring ahead, “And I’m not just saying that. I mean, I’ve thought about it too. If Lily was a bloke I’d still love her. Him. She’d still be Lily, she’d just have shorter hair and no tits. It wouldn’t change anything.”

“But Sirius isn’t Lily. He’s Sirius. He likes girls.”

At that, James turned and eyed Remus oddly.

“He doesn’t have sex because he likes girls. He has sex because he likes feeling good”

Remus didn’t know what to say at that, so he just mumbled in agreement. They sat for a bit, before Remus glanced to the side, and asked questioningly,

“This doesn’t change anything, does it?”

James snorted, “Between us? Nah, mate. I don’t care what or who gets you hot. You’re still Moony, with your incessant tea drinking and lack of required sleep. Nothing is different.”

The walk to History of Magic was slow. They were already too late to not get a detention, so they didn’t bother rushing it. Remus was still processing how easily James had accepted everything. He was trying to remind himself that not everyone would be like that, but his sense of relief still stayed strong. When they were about a corridor away from the class, James stopped, grabbing Remus’ arm.

“I probably shouldn’t be saying this to you. It goes against anything a decent person would do. But I’m not exactly decent when it comes to helping my mates in the best way possible”, James inhaled deeply, before speaking in a rush, “get over him. I’m sorry, Remus, but you need to. Sirius won’t ever…no. Just. I mean-“

Remus patted James on the shoulder as the bespectacled boy struggled over every word.

“It’s ok, James. I never deluded myself”

When they got to History of Magic, they were rewarded with two weeks of detention.

 

 

Remus decided to take James’ advice. Only, of course, being Remus, he did the most logical and simultaneously imbecilic thing he could; he simply pulled away.

Sirius didn’t notice at first.

They had a lot of different classes, and the classes they did have together, they were usually in their group of four. Remus started getting up earlier, and when he loudly collapsed in the shower, Sirius couldn’t get in because the door was locked. He started spending hours in the library. His weekends consisted of studying, parchment, and dust. He even stopped attending quidditch matches.

When Sirius did notice, he didn’t think it was his fault. Why would he? He was Sirius.

He hadn’t done anything wrong except be himself. It was Remus’ fault that he couldn’t handle that. Therefore, as summer blended into autumn, and the air became chilly, people started staying in the common room instead of outside. It was a quiet Sunday, and Remus was sat in his corner of the library, staring at the leaves outside in a dreamy haze. He heard the footsteps walking towards his corner, and closed his eyes, sighing.

“Sirius, I’m trying to study”

The boy sprawled into a chair next to him, his thick limbs invading Remus’ personal space. Remus gave him an irritable look that quickly disappeared at the sight of Sirius’ grin. He reached across and picked the book up.

“Right. _101 Most influential Muggle Poets._ Sure. I happen to know you have never taken Muggle Studies.”

Remus stuck out his tongue,

“I like Dylan Tomas and it’s hard to find his old stuff. Don’t even judge me”

“I’m judging you. So hard” Sirius waggled his eyebrows while Remus snorted, snatching his book back and beginning to read more. He heard Sirius’ breath hitch.

“Seriously, though. I-“

“Sirius, you can’t say the S word. We’ve discussed this”

“Oh, shut up, you smartarse. I was going to say, why don’t you come up to the common room? We’ve got firewhisky left from the party last night-the party, might I add, that I spent about an hour looking for you in, only to be told you were shut in here again”

Remus shifted, subtly trying to put space between their bodies. He had a secret theory that this was how Sirius got people to love him. He had an easy confidence in pressing his knee exactly against Remus’, his muscles clenching and relaxing pointedly. He made people notice he was there, and once they noticed, they couldn’t stop.

“I’d rather finish this, if it’s all the same to you…” Remus trailed off pathetically. Sirius frowned.

“It’s not even exams. Even when you were revising for them, we still saw you. I feel like I haven’t spoken to you in weeks. I miss you”

The words didn’t send shivers down his spine, they _were_ the shivers down his spine. Little tattoos etching into his skin _ImissyouImissyouImissyouImissyouImissyou._ Remus blinked, trying to clear his mind, and all the while Sirius was fixing those eyes on him. He shook his head wildly, remembering his reasons.

“You go. I’ll come up when I’ve finished this chapter.”

That seemed to be enough for Sirius. He beamed and slapped Remus roughly on the back, barging past William McKinnon and almost galloping out of the library . Although Sirius had never told him so, Remus got the impression that he felt uneasy in such a quietly still environment.

Remus finished the book he was reading. It took him four hours, and when he got back at twelve, everyone was in bed. Including Sirius.

 

 

However, after a while, Sirius clocked on. Remus could remember the exact moment he saw Sirius realize.

Remus had been talking to Peter. Well, talking was putting it lightly. They had been arguing. Remus thought the book _Lord of the Flies_ was amazingly written. When Peter had put forward the opinion that it’s ending had been abrupt and anti-climatic, Remus’ had felt his claws come out. As Peter was the only one of the Marauders that gave a toss about muggle fiction, he and Remus would often have heated ‘debates’ about the quality of different authors and stories. James and Sirius would just sit there in confusion, or start talking about Transfiguration or Quidditch.

Only this time Sirius had slept in, so James looked like he was genuinely considering hurling himself out of an astronomy tower. The two boys threw long, befuddling arguments at one-another. Usually, it got to the point where they gave up on logic and simply resorted to, “ _yeah, well, at least I knew who The Bard was before I turned fifeteen”_ and, “ _oh, come on Remus, we all know you thought Titus Andronicus was contrived, don’t talk to me about The Bard”._

When Sirius finally stomped in, looking half-asleep with crumpled robes, untied shoes, yet perfect hair, James jumped on him like he was an angel sent from heaven.

“Sirius! They’re doing it again, they’re doing the clever speak. My head hurts. How does Peter know all that stuff yet fail all his classes. How? Sirius, the words. They’re so long, it huuurts” James was whining into Sirius’ shoulder. This was the connection only James and Sirius seemed to share; they were both so bloody dramatic sometimes.

At this, Remus had abruptly stopped arguing with Peter, and stood up, quickly finishing his drink.

“I’m going to go and finish this classic and amazingly written piece of fiction, you uncultured swine. See you James, Sirius.” Peter’s attention had already strayed, as the rather angelic Miss Mckinnon had just walked by, Fabian’s arm slung over her shoulders and a tantalizing waft of perfume still clinging in the air.

Sirius abruptly stopped cajoling James, his eyes snapping open. The alertness and sense of clarity that radiated from him struck Remus, as he stared at him. Sirius spoke raspily,

“Stay for a bit, R-“

“See you!” Remus said loudly, his artificial cheeriness making him wince inwardly. Then, he fled to his kingdom of books.

Of course, Remus had done this before. It was in his nature to pull away at intervals, the insecurity in himself and other people making his movements jolty and his words stiff. However, he had never singled out one particular person. He never thought it would be Sirius.

Sirius coped how he always coped; he laughed forcefully and kissed pretty girls. James and Peter could sense the rift developing in their little group. The odd silence, the coughing, the stares, they all started to repeat after each other. Over and over again, until at any given point a conversation would spasm into a melody of awkward fumbling and miscommunication.

That was the first time Remus realized loving Sirius ached.

While The Marauders were best friends, they all suffered with the fatal flaw known as being human. They had fights and disliked each other from time to time. Most noticeably was the time in 4th year when Sirius was certain he was in ‘love’ with Lily. He and James hadn’t spoken for months without fighting, yet after an end-of-year scuffle resulting in two broken ribs and a heartfelt screaming match, the best friends had settled down again as if nothing had happened. Remus was sure that would happen, he just needed to get his stupid brain to stop releasing endorphins every time Sirius threw him a stray glance.

So of course, Remus solved the problem by creating a new one of indefinable proportions. That problem came in the form of one William Mckinnon.

William and Marlene were siblings that contrasted in such a vast way that only ever seemed to exist in books. Where Marlene smiled and stood solid and plain, William contrasted. Marlene loved Fabian, and seemed to encompass stability when she gripped his hand. William was solitary except when he wasn’t.

He was blonde, similarly to Marlene, but that was where the sibling connection broke down. William had darker eyes and a darker smile. He sat alone, in corners and on edges, smoking and glaring balefully at people who had any sort of power. He had a gaze about him that seemed to mimic a lion ready to pounce. He rebuffed any attempt of friendship and smirked when people looked hurt. He had burn marks up his arms, and the only things he seemed to care about were Quidditch and Ancient Runes. He was a chaser on the Gryffindor quidditch team, in which Sirius was a beater. People avoided him, whispered and fell silent when he passed, and Remus knew why.

William and Sirius had one thing in common. They both liked to feel good.

However, William only felt good with boys.         


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in the posting of this chapter, friends. A personal issue came up last week, and I was in no fit state to edit. I hope you'll forgive me ^_^  
> Thank you for the comment I received! I know it might not seem like much, but it makes me really happy to know you're there <3 More feedback would, of course, make my day.  
> Still unedited. My apologies. I feel like you know the drill by now ;)  
> Warning: Mentions of unprotected sex.
> 
> I hope you're all happy with your lives right now <3  
> ~AFB

Remus felt he knew, even if on a very base level, each individual that spent enough time in the library. There was a sort of silent camaraderie between people who knew they much preferred the company of books. They knew each other as regulars with definable quirks, a sort of silent friendship that didn’t need introductions or words.

There was the Ravenclaw Muggle-Born, who knitted while reading books on marine life. She finished two scarves a month on average, and Remus never knew what she did with them. There was the Slytherin boy who always sat opposite Remus, drawing pictures. When Remus glanced up, from time to time, he would see they were sketches of people. He could have sworn he recognized himself on one page, but he may have imagined it. Then there was the Ravenclaw girl who liked Wizard Romance Novels like “The Potion That Went Wrong”, yet whenever her friends visited she always hid them under her cloak, turning to a book of Arithmancy or Potions. And finally, the boy with the cigarette burns who stared more than he read.

William McKinnon.

Remus had heard about William and his dark reputation. He was renowned for loving boys in the coldest, most emotionless ways. Why he was in Gryffindor, many people had debated, as he showed no sign of courage except maybe to smirk at Dumbledore. Remus had seen him in action, so he was under no misconceptions as to what he would do. He knew the way William zoned in on his prey.

Toby Davis had been a quietly pretty boy. Even though it was considered rude to call any boy pretty, for Toby it fitted. He was small and lithe with ivory-blonde hair and big, green eyes. He seemed more like a collectable than a person. Someone you would put on a shelf and look at once in a while, appreciating their delicate features. Toby read books about Defense against the Dark Arts, of which he was apparently adept at. Remus wouldn’t know as the boy was a year below him.

Toby always looked incredibly happy whenever people talked to him. He had the uncomfortable air of someone who found it hard to fit in with any sort of social setting. He was unabashedly eager whenever someone initiated conversation. Remus had no doubt that, if Toby had wanted to, with his face and his fragile demeanor, he could easily get a group of friends who would love him. The boy just never had the confidence, which was why he read about the only thing he was good at, and searched for friendship in the one place where most people weren’t interested. After all, Remus got the impression most people came to the library to get away from civilization, not to instigate it.

He could clearly remember the day William first talked to Toby. Toby had been staring dourly at the same page for half-an-hour. William had been staring at people, because that was what he did. When he wasn’t translating runes onto a ragged slip of parchment, he was staring.

Remus had only seen it in glances, between reading ‘The Song of Wandering Aengus'

William had sat opposite Toby. Reaching across, his fingers trailed from elbow to wrist. His face almost looked sweet, as he quietly whispered to the shivering boy across from him. Remus hadn’t seen Toby’s face, but he could guess what expression he wore.

After that, Remus sporadically noticed Toby and William reading together more over the days. Their knees constantly touched, and William’s foot would trail up and down Toby’s calf. Moving closer and closer together, whispering and breathing heavily. 

Then, one day, Toby stopped coming to the library. William went back to his corner and translated a whole chapter of Ancient Goblin scriptures. Later, when Remus was dragged out of the library by James and Sirius (Peter was mysteriously missing, probably pestering the house elves for more food), he was told the various dark rumors about the sexual deviance of one, Toby Davis.

Which was why, that morning when Remus fled to the library, he was wary of William, sitting in his favorite seat by the window. Remus wasn’t the go-to person for confrontation. If anything, he avoided it like the plague. So, he merely sent an irritable glance to the staring boy, and sat in an armchair near the door. Pulling out ‘Notes of a Dirty Old Man’ by Charles Bukowski, he tried to cool his unsettled mind. He had ten minutes before Potions, so it was worth a try. .

He didn’t even look up as he heard William walk over. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over again, his expression twisted into a grimace. He heard the body settle into an armchair opposite him, and wait expectantly. Remus remained adamantly focused on the page, willing the boy to just leave.

“I stole your seat, Lupin”

He kept looking down, trying to steady his voice before he spoke.

“I saw”

“Are you going to do anything about it?”

At this, Remus glanced up, only to see the flash of triumph through the brown eyes. William had succeeded in getting a response.

Maybe it was because Remus was tired. Maybe it was because he missed Sirius. Maybe it was because Sirius loved girls, and Remus found a bra in their sink that morning. Maybe he was tired of being a wolf, tired of being in love, and just tired.

So he just said what he thought.

“I know what you do, William. Cut the shit”

This made William blink slightly, before regaining his confident expression again.

“Feisty. Unexpected, but not unwelcome. Why don’t you tell me, Lupin, what is it I do?”

“You’re a shirtlifter. You screw boys, and when you’re done, they always end up in a worse place.  People laughing at them, spreading rumors that are clearly never true, yet somehow, you’re never caught up in them unless you want to be. You screw boys, then you screw them over.”

William’s response was instantaneous and threw Remus off

“And you don’t?”

He gaped like all of the muscles in his jaw had suddenly given away.

“I-What?! I don’t do what you…you ruin people’s lives! Y-you, I mean-”

“So you don’t like boys?” William spoke like he was firing shots at people. It was too fast and calculated for Remus to comprehend. Sirius or James would know how to handle this; they’d have a witty repartee or a quick retort in an instant. Remus was lost in a land he had no way of mapping out. He could only splutter. This led to the look of triumph igniting and flaring, ever stronger in William’s eyes. He didn’t even say anything; he just leant back and smirked infuriatingly. Remus gritted his teeth and leaned forward.

“I’m in love with a straight boy. Happy now?”

There was a noticeable silence between the two boys after that, as Remus looked back down at the book. William’s reply was oddly satisfied.

“Ok then, mate. You just looked a bit tense, and I thought I’d be friendly. You know. If you ever need to get any tension out, come to me. Nothing attached, just two blokes helping each other out. But, I get it, I get it. I’ll back off. No ulterior motives here, you don’t need to worry.”

Remus regarded the boy with suspicion before turning back to his book again. He’d barely read a page before he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up with narrow eyes to see William wearing an almost harmless expression.

“Settle down, mate. We’ve got Potions next, come on.”

They walked together, Remus trying to create distance while William accidently bumped sides and brushed hands with him. This triggered venomous looks from one party, immediately retaliated with an innocent, doe-eyed look from the offending one.

William had done this before. He has tried to talk to Remus, to get a rise out of him, or to merely strike up a conversation. While Remus had never been rude before then, he had never encouraged the boy. He wasn’t stupid enough to believe he’d be the one who ‘changed’ William McKinnon. People had tricked themselves with that logic before, or just thought ‘oh, he’s not as bad as people say.  He just needs people to understand him’. Those people had always ended up getting fucked over, and William would return to his corner of the library without a single thought to the poor sods, ruined while trying to ‘help’ him. Remus had always pushed William away, and William had moved onto someone new.

Maybe it was because he was sore from Sirius. A small, small part of his mind was making a tentative case to agreeing, while a much bigger part adamantly said it was out of the question. William’s offer: Just two blokes, helping each other out.

When they got to Potions the whole class was already sat down. Remus was hit with a potent feeling of déjà vu, except this time Sirius’ eyes were locked on him and his fist was clenched tightly around his quill. Sirius never said anything about his feelings towards William, but Remus had a vague idea. It was only James’ devotion to the quidditch team of which they were both members that kept Sirius quiet, it would seem. Remus was pretty sure William didn’t care to think much about the beaters on his team, particularly Sirius. This was why he neglected to see Sirius glaring bullet holes in his body, as he quickly ruffled a hand through Remus’ hair, and murmured

“Think about it, OK Lupin?”

 

 

 

When Potions ended everyone left the class in a big group, milling around. The Marauders, of course, remained together, though Sirius and James were slapped jovially on the back by a couple boys. However, they weren’t noticing anything the others said, as they stared at their friend, who was guiltily memorizing the details of his feet while. Peter wasn’t even staring at Marlene, who was just ahead of them.

Remus knew that James-while not outwardly disliking his chaser- was aware of his reputation. Peter was also somewhat terrified of him. So, naturally, he was starting to feel a little guilty for even talking to him. After the group of four cleared a corner and separated from the large crowd, Sirius turned to Peter and James.

“Remus and I need to have a talk. Do you mind heading to the kitchens to see if they’ve got firewhisky?”

At this James squared his shoulders and crossed his arms over his chest.

“You’re not the only one who wants to bitch him out, Sirius.”

Sirius’ eyes softened imploringly.

“I know, mate. And by all means, feel free to bitch him out later. Just give us some privacy, please?”

Maybe the fact he said please was what did it, because James backed down in a moment. While still retaining a slightly irritated frown to Remus, he nodded and turned away. Peter scampered after him, only pausing to throw Remus a worried look over his shoulder.

Sirius turned and grabbed Remus’ wrist, pulling him along the corridor. Remus was silent and compliant in that strange, ‘Remus’ way. They pushed through crowds and skirted around teachers until the got to The Room Of Requirement. At this, Remus dug his heels in.

“Really, Sirius? Isn’t that a little bit extravagant, mate?”

“I need to talk to you without anyone listening.”

“What are you going to do? Torture it out of me?”

At this, Sirius turned and gave Remus the dark stare that meant he wasn’t messing around. Remus’ shoulders slumped, and he sighed, dejectedly slouching into the Room Of Requirement. It recreated as just a standard empty classroom, with desks pushed to the side of the room. Sirius locked the door and spun around.

“I don’t know what I’ve done, Remus, but I’m sorry. If I went too far or said something wrong or…I don’t know!?”

Remus didn’t expect this and raised an eyebrow slightly. Yet, under his carefully composed expression, his mind was bubbling like a cauldron. He didn’t want to have this talk, because he knew he’d say something he’d regret, and then Sirius would be lost forever.

“Are you not going to talk about McKinnon?”

Sirius bit his lip, his eyebrows grouping together angrily, but continued.

“I will, but not now. I just need to sort this out. You’ve been avoiding me for weeks. Prongs said I was just imagining it, but I know I’m not, Remus. Something’s wrong, and I caused it and I-” His voice broke with desperation here, and before Remus could blink, Sirius’ long arm were wrapped around him in a chokehold of a hug. Remus was simply frozen in place, unsure what to do or how to react as he felt Sirius’ abs flexing against his skinny body. He closed his eyes and inhaled the scent of Sirius’ hair.

“Sirius…you haven’t done anything wrong…” his voice sounded heavy in his throat as he swallowed. Sirius was shuddering as he whispered,

“Remus…”

The way Sirius’ voice wrapped around his name sounded musical. It made him feel dizzy, and before he realized it, his traitorous cock twitched against Sirius. Remus’ eyes shot open in panic, and he shoved Sirius’ chest hard. They both staggered away from each other, and Remus backed up as far as he could, trying to ignore the expression of pure, open hurt Sirius wore.

“It…is not your fault” Remus tried to explain, frantically. However, he could see Sirius closing off, his expression blanking. He continued to babble frenziedly.

“No, Sirius, it really isn’t, I’m just going through some problems at the moment, and I need some space. I promise it’s nothing to do with you, really.”

That sounded pathetic, even to Remus, but he continued to stare pleadingly at the other boy. His face was still harsh, yet it slowly melted as Remus stared, silently willing him to understand. Remus’ expression must be epitomizing desperation. Finally, after a minute of silence, Sirius exhaled a worried breath. Reaching forward in a painfully hesitant way, he patted Remus awkwardly on the shoulder.

“Do you want to tell me? I can help, maybe…” he trailed off painfully, gazing at Remus in a way that was neither demanding for information nor disinterested and only vaguely caring. The tone and the expression he wore made Remus’ heart stutter, and the mental list of pro’s and con’s he had accumulated over the past few weeks fled his mind. Much like the piece of parchment he’d been staring at the night he told Sirius about his results, every point and fact swirled, becoming beautiful and abstract and pointless. He could only think about the fact that this was Sirius, and he was tired of skirting around him. If Sirius didn’t accept him…no. Sirius wouldn’t do that. He’d accept him, he just wouldn’t love him.

So Remus decided. Gulping in a breath, he steadied himself. This was really going to happen.

“I’ll tell you tonight, okay?”

Sirius blinked in confusion.

“Tonight? But, Remus, I mean, I’d rather-”

“I need time, Sirius. I don’t know how to tell you. It’s quite a big thing.”

Sirius frowned, and then tilted his head.

“That…seems reasonable. Tonight, in our dorm? There’s a party tonight, what with Halloween, and I happen to know Marlene and Lily will be there, so Prongs and Wormy shouldn’t be an issue.”

Remus nodded, hardly unable to believe this was happening.

“Right. So, tonight at eight ‘O clock?”

Sirius leaned forward now, his stance widening protectively and his expression turning more irritable.

“Now we’ve sorted that out, what the bloody hell are you doing, being with McKinnon like that? I mean, I know I don’t tell you who you’re friends with, but Remus, he’s William McKinnon.”

“Sirius, he was in the library and he walked with me to Potions because we both have it. It’s nothing.”

 Remus wasn’t sure why he was lying, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell Sirius yet. He’d tell him tonight, when he confessed everything. Even thinking about it now made his stomach clench and swirl. Sirius continued ranting obliviously.

“He’s bad news, Remus. You don’t hear him in the Quidditch changing rooms. He talks about having sex with them, or other people having sex with them. Some of the stuff he says…and the things is, most of the guys he talks about are clearly not benders, but people believe the guy. It’s messed up.”

Remus blurted out his thought before he could keep his mouth in check.

“Isn’t that what you do with girls, though?”

The pause was icy, as Sirius narrowed his eyes.   
“Yes, but I don’t spread rumors about them. I don’t tell people unless the girls are fine with it.”

The room became awkward as Remus stared at the floor and Sirius glared at Remus. He cleared his throat and looked back up at Sirius.

“I’m not stupid. I know he’s bad news.”

At this, Sirius’ face relaxed, and he smiled.

“I’m glad. You worry me, you know.”

“Oh, I know. But hey, at least I’m not collapsing on you now”

“I must admit, I’m offended. Most people collapse at my beautiful looks and flawless charm”

Remus snorted

“I guess I’m immune then.”

 

 

 

The day seemed to pass on fast-forward. Remus wasn’t sure how he got from morning to second lesson to third lesson to break in what felt like two heartbeats. When he got to fourth lesson, and he was on his seventh mental list of ‘Reasons Why Telling Sirius Is The Stupidest Idea Ever (Except Buying That Shirt In Second Year)’, he was positively sweating every time Sirius blinked. If he even looked slightly in his direction, Remus swore he had a mini-conniption. It was only when he was leaving the lesson for lunch when Remus realized he’d have to break his promise to Sirius in order to keep it. Turning to his friends, of whom all looked satisfied with themselves (James had ranted non-stop at Remus for about ten minutes, and Peter was happy because he had managed to say ‘Hello’ to Marlene that day), he waved a book in front of them.

“I forgot to give this back. I’ll be five minutes.”

He thought he saw a sliver of suspicion pass between James and Sirius, but it quickly disappeared. He was probably imagining it out of paranoia.

“We’ll wait for you in The Great Hall” James promised, and Sirius nodded vehemently. Peter was caught in the middle of a giant yawn, but Remus was sure he’d agree if he could.

Remus nodded and walked speedily to the library. When he saw William sat in his seat, he marched over.

“Firstly, that’s my seat, if you don’t mind,” he paused as a smirking William merely stayed defiantly sat.

“If you want it so bad why don’t you just sit-”

“Secondly! I will never, under any circumstances think about your offer. Don’t talk to me anymore”

William didn’t even blink. He just stayed sat, with that sarcastic, condescending smirk.

 “That’s your loss, mate.”

Remus snorted and stormed away.

 

 

 

It was dinner, and Remus was nervous. Every instinct that made him purely Remus was telling him to get out, run away and never tell Sirius anything. He planted his feet flat on the ground and bit his lip determinedly. He kept catching Sirius' eye and looking away. Looking down, looking to the sides, in one ridiculous moment he even looked up, like he was looking for an owl. James had already asked him, “Are you alright, mate?” about four times as Remus jittered like an upturned bug.

It was half-way through dinner when Emma Vanity, a girl who had a couple of free lessons with Sirius, sauntered over and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned and said something abrupt to her. However, she continued to whisper in his ear, and Remus could see her expression change to one of annoyance. Sirius sighed in exasperation and threw his knife and fork down with a clatter.

“I’m so sorry guys, I’ll be five minutes.”

Everyone shrugged and continued eating, the conversation switching to something else random. Remus watched Sirius go, however. He watched the girls’ graceful gait that seemed to match Sirius’ exactly. Then without a reason, he was suddenly himself walking next to Sirius. It looked so…embarrassing. Sirius and Emma looked so aesthetically pleasing together. With their long hair and angles and graceful beauty, they were matching gloves. Remus naturally walked with a slight slump. If he walked next to Sirius, with his pure-blood posture, he’d look like a hunchback. Remus was all bones where Sirius was healthy and filled out. They’d look…odd. People might even feel sorry for Sirius, being stuck with Remus.

He shook the thoughts away. He couldn’t afford to think like this, so close to telling Sirius everything.

Sirius still hadn’t returned, and it was five minutes to eight. James and Peter had finished their meals and respective female stalking, so the group was just sat, talking about nonsense. When it was five to eight and Sirius clearly wasn’t planning on coming back, they all decided to go back to the common room.

 

 

 

Once in the party, Remus lost his two friends in the crowd immediately. Gripping his robes with shaking hands, he walked up to their dorm. Opening the door, he was slapped in the face with the full force of the scene before him.

Emma was on Sirius’ bed, completely naked. She was on her stomach and her back was arched to an impossible extent. She looked like a horizontal bracket. Above her, holding her head down by her hair was Sirius. Sweat was dripping down his face as he violently jerked in and out of the girl, who was writhing and whimpering quietly. His face was scrunched in concentration. It was only when Remus gasped slightly did Sirius look up.

Their eyes locked over the moaning girl. Sirius’ pupils dilated and he shot back faster than Remus had ever seen him move. It was only when he pulled out could Remus see that he wasn’t wearing a condom. He looked back up at Sirius, his heart spluttering in his chest. Sirius’ face clenched and he whispered something inaudible. Then he ejaculated all over the girl’s back, his body jerking as his eyes never left Remus’.

Remus smartly stepped back, shutting the door quietly. He stared for a second, before turning one-hundred and eighty degrees. He didn’t run, merely walking in a daze. He got to the common room and walked calmly through the party. He could have sworn he heard someone calling his name. He was probably imagining it. He seemed to be imagining a lot recently.

When he got through the portrait, all of his feelings hit him; Shock, grief, anger and confusion. Loss. Loss? It wasn’t like he had anything to lose. Sirius had never been his.

Only now was Remus realizing why he should have listened to James. Prongs had his interests at heart the whole time. He’d never doubt him again.

It was then that Remus started to run. Breathing heavily and looking around wildly as students scattered around him. He was pretty sure he ran over a first year. He had been that first year, at one point. Now he realized first-year Remus shouldn’t have taken it so personally at the time.

Sirius would go straight to the library. This meant Remus had to be quick. He burst in and spotted the boy straight away. Luckily, the smirk dropped as soon as he saw Remus’ face.

“Remus? What’s going on?”

“William, we need to get out of here now.”

“Why? What happened?”

“I’m taking you up on your damn offer.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, friends!  
> I hope you're all doing brilliantly today. We've reached our halfway point, and I'm so grateful for all the kudos and the comments I'm receiving-It really makes my day better :)  
> I'm waiting for some beta's to get back to me. I'll try and re-edit it all if I find a good one.   
> Feedback is, naturally, adored <3  
> Warnings: Light sexual restraints, light dub-con. Detailed descriptions of sex.
> 
> Love you all ^_^  
> ~AFB

William had grabbed Remus’ hand and was steering him through the corridors. Everyone was getting to bed now, so they startled quite a lot of younger years by running through them.

“Not Gryffindor tower!” Remus yelped, sensing the direction William was taking them. William swore and abruptly changed direction, yanking Remus with him. They ran down two corridors until Remus realized where they were going.

Sure enough, the door for the Room of Requirement opened, and Remus groaned internally. His brain was already replaying the memories of Sirius and him hugging in that room, making new emotions of betrayal well afresh. They were stupid emotion, really, stupid thoughts. Remus, being the stupid git he was, had thought he had a hope in hell of Sirius loving him.

God, he should have listened to Prongs.

The room was different now, thank Merlin. However, it was odd. It was a Gryffindor dorm room, but not his own. A single bed sat in the corner with possessions flung messily under and around it. Another bed sat opposite this bed, but it was clearly empty. A bay window shone moonlight on the bed sheets .William stopped short, inhaling a breath quickly and looking around in confusion.

“Oh, Merlin. Really?”

“What’s happening? I don’t recognize this place?”

At this, William smiled bitterly.

“Of course you don’t. This is my dorm room. I never bring people here.” He zoned out for a second before shrugging visibly and turning to Remus. He gestured to his bed, a leer forming on his face.

“Want to sit down, darling?”

Remus closed his eyes, trying to banish every memory of Sirius from his mind. That, naturally, didn’t work, as the image of Sirius face as he ejaculated only flickered like a Hollywood stage light. He felt disgust well in his stomach as his cock twitched again. Then he realized why he was here, and accepted it, letting his cock throb and the images flow like a movie.

When he opened his eyes again, the leer was completely gone from William’s face. Now he seemed quietly curious, and even looked strangely sympathetic.

“Something bad happened, hasn’t it? Are you going to be ok, twitch?”

At this, Remus came completely back to reality in complete confusion.

“What did you just call me?”

“Twitch”

“Um…why?”

William grinned, looking like a little kid in the process.

“You twitch a lot, Remus. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, yet. It’s cute.”

Remus raised an eyebrow at this. Walking over to the bed William was currently sat, he plopped down next to him, crossing his legs.

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

It was William’s turn to raise an eyebrow.

“Do you want me to stop? Because, if you’re into that, I mean, that’s cool”

Remus stared disbelievingly.

“I don’t understand you. You’re…you’re horrible.”

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly be a dick right before I’m about to…”

As he trailed off suggestively, Remus realized he needed to make his intentions clear.

“William, I’m not having sex with you.”

“Oh. Ok. Whatever, I’m cool with whatever you want to do.”

“And another thing: Talk. Spread rumors. Say what you want, because I’m beyond caring now.”

At this, William frowned even more.

“Oh, no, honey. That is so not happening. You’re…”

Remus merely continued to stare, expectantly. William looked like he was having an internal battle.

“I’m not going to lie, Remus. I like sex. It feels good, and boys are hot. But, I’m not just going to take sex if you’re not into it. And you’re clearly emotionally screwed at the moment.”

Then suddenly Remus felt a grip on his shoulder, and he was pushed onto his back. His legs flapped uselessly and his brain raced. He’d never even been kissed. What was he doing here? That thought was cut short as William straddled his thighs and placed his hands flat on his stomach, moving them up over his chest. Remus stiffened, downright scared of this situation and everything it was. William’s face was now inches from his, and their groins were pressed together tightly. The boy on top started to lightly grind into Remus, whose cock reacted in interest. Then, William started to talk, and his voice had a husky quality to it that Remus had never heard before.

“Now, Remus, I want you to do something for me. I want you to close your eyes and think of the straight boy you told me about”

Remus gasped lightly, his hips bucking upwards before he could exactly think to stop them. He could feel William smile against his neck.

“That’s what I thought. It’s OK darling, come on. Now, I want you to forget whatever he did tonight. Forget all of that, and just feel him, because he’s here. He’s with you. On top of you. Fucking you through your clothes…”

Remus groaned deeply at that, rutting up with more force. He could feel Sirius’ bony fingers trailing up and down his robes, then under. They were stroking his sides, dipping into his naval, walking over his chest. Sirius was licking his neck, suckling on it softly. One of his hands had already got to his nipple, and it was lightly circling it, before pinching the tip, making Remus squirm.

The other hand had managed to wriggle between their rutting cocks and was petting him over his robes. He was thrusting up into the palm now, because it wasn’t enough. He wanted to feel skin on skin.

“Please…touch me…oh god” He gasped, opening his eyes. Everything was black, and he jolted slightly, panic shooting through his arousal.

“It’s alright, baby, it’s only a blindfold” Came the quiet voice, and Remus could’ve sworn it was Sirius. It sounded so much like him.

“It’s you…oh, please, touch me. Not her, don’t touch her, just touch me, please. I don’t want you to touch her anymore” Remus was babbling now, as tears slipped down the side of his face. His mind was filled with memories of Emma and Sirius. Sirius touching her, inside her, and oh god, it was hurting.

“I’m touching you, baby. It’s not her anymore, it’s only you”

Then Remus felt the nimble fingers get inside his trousers. They slid under his pants, and Remus moaned in relief. A thumb pressed into his slit and his shoulders bit into the bed, his hands grabbing his own hair. He felt the hand that wasn’t stroking him bat his hands away from his hair. It then laced through his hair at the base of his scalp and pulled hard, pinning his head down on the mattress. Remus felt his back arch as he started to violently jerk upwards into the fist that was sliding slickly up his prick. The two hands were pinning him down and holding him open like a book with a broken spine. He started to gasp in completion, when he felt the fist grip around him like a vice. He wouldn’t be able to cum like this.

“Let me…let me please…please…oh, Merlin, God, fuck me”

Remus’ babbling was more and more desperate now, angry and hoarse as his dick throbbed painfully.

When the boy spoke, Remus could feel his breath tickling his lips.

“Say my name, Remus”

Remus was becoming more and more aware of how trapped his body was. His heart sped up and his cock throbbed at the thought, even though it really shouldn’t have. He wriggled in attempt to create space, and yelped in pain as nails were introduced to the grip.

“William! Merlin, stop it, I’m going to…ugh, I’m going-”

“No, Remus, that’s wrong. I told you to say my name”

It took Remus a moment to understand, and then he started to properly fight. Of course, it was useless now.

“No! No! Get the fuck off me! Stop-”

His yelling was cut off when he felt the grip on his cock loosen enough for him to get close. Then it tightened again, even more painful than before and Remus felt like he could weep.

“Remus. Say my name, and this will all be over”

Remus did start to cry then, as he choked out the name.

“S-SIRIUS! Oh Fu-”

When he ejaculated, it was so strong, he felt it hit his chest. His body shuddered and ached, his scalp was sore now that hand had left it, and the room felt scary and cold. When his sight finally returned, Remus was completely alone.

 

 

 

 When he returned to the common room, everyone had already gone to bed. Broken bottles and the remnants of a busted party littered the floor. McGonagall had obviously caught some unsavory acts of celebration and sent everybody to bed in disgrace. How many points Grfffindor had lost didn’t bear thinking about.

Remus’ robes were tattered and his eyes were red. Going to William had been stupid, he could see that now, yet the aching feeling in his chest had become pleasantly numb. It was still there, it was just easier to ignore. Just as he was walking up the stairs to his dorm, he ran into James and Peter. James immediately hugged him, and Remus could see his expression was stricken. He couldn’t formulate why, but it worried him.

“I’m so, so sorry mate. I messed up. Oh, Merlin, I really messed up. I’m sorry.”

Remus just sort of mumbled in blank appeasement. It was Peter’s turn to hug him now.

“We’ll see you tomorrow.”

They then continued down the stairs. Remus turned to ask them where they were going, but they were gone before he could get the words out. Sighing, Remus trudged up the stairs and got in their dorm. Sirius shot at him as soon as he entered, grabbing his shoulder and shooting a locking spell at the door with his other hand.

“Remus! I’m so sorry; I didn’t mean it to be like that. Let me explain, Merlin, please”

“It’s okay, Sirius. I didn’t have anything important to tell you. Sorry. I’m tired.” Remus responded robotically. At this, Sirius covered his hands with his face and groaned.

“No! No, no, no, no! It wasn’t supposed to be like this! I didn’t want it to be like this!”

Remus patted Sirius awkwardly on the shoulder. He couldn’t feel anything, and maybe that was for the best. He was sure if he could, he’d feel his heart cracking.

“It’s okay, Sirius. You don’t have to feel bad for anything. It was my fault for not knocking.” He sounded so monotonous, even to his own ears. He turned to his bed and started to pull his robes off, fumbling and distant. Then he heard Sirius make a sound that could only be described as a roar.

“No! God damn it, Remus, why does it have to be like this?! I fucking like you, okay?”

This made Remus jolt and stop. He turned around slowly, his soul quivering in his gut. He had to have heard wrong, right?

When he spoke, there was finally an injection of emotion in his voice, namely, complete and utter terror. He was terrified.

“What did you just say?”

Sirius was wild. Pacing, his face contorted with emotion as he wildly looked everywhere except at Remus.

“I like girls. They’re pretty. But I like you more, Remus. It’s weird and crazy and I can feel it but I can’t fucking explain it. All I know is, when I look at you, I’m a poof. A bender, shirtlifter, fucking queer, whatever the fuck you call it, because I certainly don’t know what to. I thought you felt the same, and then you started pulling away, and I couldn’t reach you, and I didn’t know what I did.  So I started screwing girls with narrow waists and thin hips, just so I could hide their face and fucking pretend it was you.”

His chest was heaving and his eyes were watering as he stared at Remus’ feet. Remus felt completely blank, and very dizzy. Swaying, he sat down heavily on the bed.

“Oh.”

So many questions were running through his head. _How long? Why didn’t you tell James? Why me? Do you still like me? Are you joking?_

He struggled internally and blurted out the first one he could comprehend properly.

“Then why…tonight…you and Emma?

Sirius suddenly seemed to just…sag. Deflated, all the air falling out of him as his shoulders slumped. He walked over and sat next to Remus, burying his face in his hands. His voice was thick and muffled yet still audible.

“I promised I would that night. She reminds me of you so much, Remus. Her eyes and the way she smiles and the way she is. I thought it would be quick, so we’d be done. Then, if what you told me was bad, it would hurt less. It’s twisted logic, but it just works, mate.”

Remus nodded slightly. He could understand that now, especially after what happened with William. He was starting to regret it, yet he hoped he’d never have to mention it to Sirius. He made a mental note to go and speak to William in the library and tell him everything was off. Then he slowly, slowly, reached out and placed a hand on Sirius’ wrist. He gripped it softly, staring at the boy’s covered face.

“Your feelings are mutual”

Sirius looked up, his lip quivering.

“What?”

“I like you. A lot. ” Remus said shortly, closing his eyes. A feeling of complete joy was dawning, yet a seed of worry still lingered in his mind. When he opened them, Sirius was smiling and quivering next to him. When he spoke, he sounded like a little kid.

“Oh, Merlin. Really? Seriously?”

Remus laughed quietly, a weight lifting from his shoulders.

“Sirius. The S word. Come on, you just ruined all the romantic tension.”

At this, Sirius’ face split into the widest grin Remus had ever seen. The boy launched at him, long limbs wrapping everywhere like an octopus and pressing Remus into the bed. They hugged for a long time, both lying on their sides. Then, Sirius pulled away and cupped Remus’ cheek. Remus couldn’t stop smiling, his chest constricting happily. This was really happening.

“Remus…can I kiss you?”

He nodded, then felt Sirius face press close. His lips pressed lightly to Remus’, and Remus became enthralled in all of the beautiful, miniscule details. Things like the slight hint of firewhisky on his breath and the fact his long hair was tickling Remus’ neck. The way his legs had interlocked with Remus’ like a jigsaw puzzle and his grip on Remus’ face was gentle, like he was holding a fragile, rare possession. The comfort he felt, the feeling of being close to someone, surrounding them completely and being accepted.  

Remus sat up after a while, but Sirius stayed lying on his back, looking like a well-fed, sleepy cat. He almost looked blissful as he stared at Remus with soft eyes. Remus just wanted to smile forever, to not approach the subject on his mind. However, he knew he had to say it.

“I told Prongs I liked you. He obviously misread the situation, and it’s in no way his fault. He told me to get over you. That’s why I started pulling away.”

Sirius blinked, his smile dropping.

“That idiot. I swear to Merlin-“

“No, Sirius, it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know.” Remus said, soothingly, placing a hand lightly on Sirius’ chest. It still amazed him that he could do that without Sirius stopping him. Indeed, Sirius got the sleepy, happy expression on his face again. Grabbing Remus’ hand, he pulled the boy sideways, so he fell on top of him. Their bodies fitted together perfectly, in a way that created intimacy without arousal. Remus’ rested his forehead on Sirius’ chest and sighed.

“This is nice…I’m tired.”

Immediately, Sirius’ hands moved up to rub his back lethargically.

“Stay here, Moony. Sleep on me.”

Both the boys were asleep almost instantly, curled around each other like happy little kittens.

 

 

 

The next day, Remus woke up gasping and drenched in sweat. He’d obviously been convulsing, because Sirius had his arms around him in a deadlock. His bones felt like liquid and his stomach tipped sideways every time he moved. It was the night of the full moon.

Remus wrapped his arms around his stomach and groaned.

“Toilet. Sick. Now.”

Sirius didn’t need telling twice. Jumping up, he wrapped an arm around Remus’ waist and supported him to their bathroom. Once in there, Remus threw up everything he ate the previous day. Sirius ran a hand through his sweaty scalp as he continued to retch. When he had no food left in his stomach to throw up, bile started to drip out of his mouth, then blood. He could feel Sirius balk behind him.

“Go. Fine.” Remus panted.

Sirius stood obdurately behind him, stroking his hair and rubbing his shoulders every now and then. Remus’ cheek was pressed against the toilet seat as he wheezed from the exertion. When he was sure he was finished, he stood up, swaying dangerously. Sirius helped him limp over to the bed, where Remus collapsed. He then knelt next to him and laced their fingers together.  


“I don’t think you can do lessons today, Remus.”

“Mmm.”

Sirius had dark circles under his eyes. Remus wondered how many times he had woken up in the night, due to Remus kicking or writhing in his sleep. He reached forward a shaky hand and traced Sirius’ eyes with his fingertips.

“You’re beautiful…” He mumbled, before dropping his hand and closing his eyes. Sweat was dripping down his face, and his head felt hot. Great. Pre-transformation fevers weren’t exactly common, but they did happen time to time. They always felt hellish, though of course, never as hellish as the actual transformation. They were more of an inconvenient build-up to something much worse.

“I’m going to go and get Dumbledore. Try and stay awake, ok?”

Remus felt cold lips against his burning forehead. He closed his eyes and nodded. Then he waited.

Every second felt like an hour. Time seemed to despise him, and, much like a bratty kid, simply refused to do anything he wanted. So, when his owl flew in, holding a scrap of parchment in its claws, Remus welcomed the distraction. That was, until he opened the scrap of paper.

_Tomorrow, same place, same time. Might not want to tell anyone where you’re going. See you, twitch._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter broke my heart.
> 
> How are you all? I've been doing okay-the search for a beta is long and hard. I'm considering giving up, if I'm entirely honest, but I'll keep trying for one more week. I'm so sorry if the writing quality/spelling is as atrocious as I think.  
> Thank you all for the Kudos and the comments-I love you! I did my first happy dance for this story the other day, which is nice. It's amazing to know you're all enjoying it <3  
> Any more comments, Kudos and feedback are greatly appreciated :)
> 
> I don't in any way own the poem 'The Highwayman' By Alfred Noyes, I merely quoted it for fans of the poem. See if you can find it ;)
> 
> Warnings: Dub-Con, Attempted rape, Angst and tears.  
> I want it to be known that I don't, in any way, condone rape. If you are a survivor of it, I am so sorry, I really am. I tried to write it in a way that wasn't romanticising or glorifying it, as I have, disappointingly, read in many stories. 
> 
> Now that's over, I can say it only goes up from here. I love you all, and I hope you have a splendid week. ^_^  
> ~AFB

Maybe it was luck, maybe Merlin had been looking down on Lupin and took pity; or maybe it was the complete opposite, depending on how you view it, but Sirius had detention the next day. He naturally wanted to stay with Remus, who was covered in bruises, extremely tired and had a new scar etched into his neck. However, Slughorn had sent a note to Madame Pomfrey saying that, on no unfortunate terms could Sirius miss this detention, so the boy was reluctantly ushered from the hospital wing. It took Remus three consumed chocolate bars and half an hour of sweet talking before Madame Pomfrey finally let him from the hospital wing. By then it was quarter-past eight, and Remus was already late.

The wind made all of the windows along the corridor rattle loudly as he hurried to the Room Of Requirement. Autumn was just blending into winter, and the weather was getting colder. Remus could finally curl in front of the fire with tea and a sweater, the thing he simultaneously missed and anticipated every year. He had already imagined what it’d be liked curled up with Sirius by the fire, chatting and laughing, maybe nestled under a blanket scavenged from the house elves. He hoped to Merlin Sirius would still want to, after he told him about William.

When he got to the Room, William was pacing rather angrily.

“You’re late! Where’ve you bloody been these past few-Woah!” He cut himself off as he stared at the bruises littering Remus’ face and the white dressing on his neck. Remus hadn’t had time to put a concealment charm on the bruises.

It reminded him of the first time The Marauders noticed a bad moon.

 

 

 

_Remus had been talking to the boys for a while now. It was crazy to think that just a few months ago, he had resigned himself to spending the whole of first year alone. Scratch that, he had resigned himself to living life through Hogwarts alone._

_However, that wasn’t the case. Instead of helping him then leaving him be, the three boys had started talking to him. More and more they talked, James initiating it first. He was weedy and his teeth stuck out, yet something about him commanded respect. He really liked the short, red-head they had potions with. Lily Evans, the smartest witch in the year. Remus secretly thought James was a bit mean to Lily, but he’d never tell his new friend. He valued him too much._

_Sirius was also an amazing friend. He was one of the boys that everyone liked; the type of boy that Remus would watch from the corner of the playground, and fantasize about being best friends with them, as they laughed and joked. Only now, it was real, and he was still finding it hard to adjust. It seemed incomprehensible that someone so cool would want to talk to stupidly shy Remus._

_Peter was more like Remus. Shy and quiet, yet when they talked, they both felt comfortable with each other. Peter hated wizard classes, but he read some of the same muggle books that Remus did. It was clear that Peter was intelligent, just not in a way that the education system could measure. So the teachers sighed in disappointment every time he stammered and shrugged at questions._

_Remus still had a single room, even though his new friends had asked him to move to the spare bed they had. This was because, despite how comfortable he was with them, he knew he wouldn’t be able to explain the fevers and the nightmares. So, he hedged awkwardly around it every time they asked._

_The first few moons he had while he was in their friendship group were fine. Few bruises, nothing he couldn’t cover up. No new scars._

_Then, he had a bad night. He woke up in the hospital wing with his left eye the colour and size of a plum. Heavy bruising scattered his face, like an artist had dipped a paintbrush in purple and blue and flicked it at him in a fit of anger. Directionless splotches scattered everywhere, their hues almost matching that of moonlight. Almost. He also had a long, puckering scar healing on his leg. This made him walk with a slight limp, like a rejected dog._

_When he was released, all of the bruises were covered except his eye, and his leg was bandaged in a horribly noticeable way. His limp had become more of an extreme hobble, so when he limped into the crowded common room, all of his friends froze._

_Peter had sat, like a startled rabbit. Wide-eyed and panicky, Remus could practically see his brain rush through all of the possible scenarios. Sirius was the antithesis. Jumping up, he charged over to Remus, skidding to a halt in front of him and looking him up and down with concerned eyes. He grabbed Remus’ shoulders, right over a hidden bruise, and Remus winced. Sirius loosened his grip and then the questioning started._

_“What happened to your face? Are you okay? Did someone beat you up? I’ll kill them, I swear. Was it Mulciber and that lot? Remus, c’mon, say something!”_

_Remus had felt all of his carefully constructed plans and falsifications break down, like sugar in water. He stammered and blinked, wincing as Sirius started to shake him. Luckily, James, ever the negotiator, even at a young age, stepped in._

_“Sirius, calm down. Let him speak.”_

_Sirius let go of Remus and backed down, his grey eyes boring into Remus’ dulled green ones._

_Remus managed to formulate to words, “I fell” until Sirius interrupted with a loud, “bullshit!” A nervous giggle flowed around the room. It was at a point where people still thought swearing was cool and rebellious. James put a hand on his friend's shoulder and stared at him stonily._

_“Leave him alone, mate. If he says that, well, I believe him.”_

_“But James, he’s got a black eye! How can you-”_

_“Leave it. C’mon Remus, sit at the fire with us.”_

_Sirius had sulked for the rest of the night, only dropping his angry expression when Remus wasn’t looking. Then, his face would crumple into a map of worry and concern, much deeper than any eleven-year-old should have to feel._

 

 

 

Remus hastily walked over to the bed, sitting down primly. He started talking instantly, trying to make his voice authoritative.

“William, I’ve come to say, although the thing that happened last time helped me in some ways, of which I am very grateful, I’d rather not continue this, nor would I like you to tell anybody.”

At this, William threw his head back in a cackle. He reminded Remus of a demented hyena.

“You couldn’t sound stiffer and more rehearsed if you tried! Come on, put some more emotion into it, then maybe I might believe you. A little.”

This was met by a stoic expression from Remus. William’s general persona of mirth died instantly, as he leant against the wall, his arms crossed. His smirk was predatory.

“Thing is, Twitch, I don’t actually care.”

Remus looked at him in confusion.

“W-What?” He stammered. William pushed off the wall and walked over to where Remus sat. He crouched down on his haunches in front of him and smiled.

“You heard me. I don’t actually care what you say, because I have something you don’t, Twitch. I have leverage.”

“Leverage?”

“Sirius.”

This made Remus snort derisively.

“Tell him. Go for it.”

This made William narrow his eyes and straighten his back. He looked Remus up and down, almost like he was analyzing him. The boy squirmed.

“Interesting. So, he won’t mind knowing what I did to you last time we were here? If I sent him a little memory vial for him to, I don’t know, enjoy the show?”

The air went still as Remus locked eyes with the other boy. His smile slowly spread across his face again.

“Leverage, Twitch. Life is about Leverage.”

Remus gritted his teeth, wracking his brain. Then he suddenly thought of Peter.

“Marlene.” He challenged with flat eyes. It was William’s turn to snort.

“That bitch hates me without you saying anything. Think it has any effect on me now? Still, it was a cute try. ”

Remus was desperately wringing his hands now. He didn’t even twitch much, but that blasted nickname was making him nervous. He tried to control the corner of his eye as it spasmed. Rapidly.

William stood up, stretching his arms above his head.

“You can go if you want. No-one’s keeping you here. If not,” he paused for a second, and a large, straight-backed wooden chair appeared in front of Remus, “take a pew, darling.”

Remus gave the door a wistful look for a moment. In this situation, it reminded him of a gate to heaven. It promised him safety and security, no more predatory smirks and unwanted nicknames. He could just leave and this would all be over. However, the thought of Sirius seeing everything spurred him on in the most gut-wrenching way, and he sat down with a thud. Almost instantly, long, black ropes wrapped around his arms, tying them behind the chair. His ankles were prized part and secured to separate chair-legs. All the while, William’s gaze had become heated.

“No need to be scared, twitch. This is just something that turns me on. I’m sure you don’t mind.” 

He then knelt on the space on the chair between Remus’ legs, pressing his knee into his groin. Remus shuddered slightly, closing his eyes. It only lasted for a second-the protective darkness-before he felt a sharp slap across his face. His eyes fluttered open and he gasped silently. William didn’t say anything; he just gave him a single look. Remus already knew what was going to happen.

“Alright. Now, time to show me how much you want this. Make sure I believe you, Remus. I’d hate to send Sirius something he doesn’t need to see.”

That was the day Remus gave his first blowjob. His back bent at an odd angle as he struggled to reach, trying to ignore the derisive laughter. It wasn’t to someone he loved, it wasn’t Sirius’ face he saw, scrunched up in pleasure as he eagerly bobbed up and down. It wasn’t Sirius thrusting so far down his throat that he couldn’t breathe, because Sirius would never do that. It wasn’t Sirius who held his head clamped to his groin until he swallowed every drop of what he never wanted. It was thick and salty and made him cough wetly when he was let go.

Remus had entered a numb state throughout the process. He now waited patiently for William to say the counter-spell so he could go and weep in private. However, fate or Merlin wasn’t kind in this instance. William slid to the floor and undid Remus’ robes. Remus tried to shuffle back, but the rope didn’t let him.

“William, it’s fine. I’m not hard, don’t bother.”

The glare Remus received was genuine and terrifying. William grabbed the flaccid cock and licked a trail up the underside. Remus wasn’t hard yet, but he probably would be soon. His emotional torment didn’t override carnal and animal instincts; he wasn’t ignorant enough to blame himself for that. His body and mind were oil and water, individual in terms of sex and arousal. If someone tapped his knee, his leg would kick, no matter how much he wept. If someone licked his cock, even if he hated it, it was only a matter of time before it hardened. He wasn’t going to blame himself for that.

So he just sat and waited for it to be over. He was staring at William’s arm, curved around his bobbing head as his hand held his hip. There were cigarette burns trailing along the underside of his arm, little puckered lumps, like islands in the sea of pale flesh. Remus vaguely remembered what William was saying earlier about leverage.

“Scars of a non-magical nature that can’t be healed generally only occurred in childhood. They’re too old to be covered or reduced magically.”

William looked up, genuinely confused. Removing himself from Remus’ cock, he quirked an eyebrow

“What are you on about?”

“And, well, my theory is, unless you were a seriously depressed child, you must have been given those cigarette scars. Some are clearly older than others, which rules out a single incident. And, since Marlene is lovely, and I know you both don’t have a mum, I’m sensing serious daddy issues. ”

William’s face had gone completely blank.

“Shut up”

Remus felt a triumphant smile light up his features. It was odd, really. He was smiling over such a little win, at a time like this.

“Leverage, cigarette boy.”

William stood up, silently, and paused. He looked like a cobra, as he stared down at Remus with a manic glint in his eye. Then, he struck. He ripped off Remus’ robes, tearing off his underwear and tilting Remus’ hips with a tight, violent grip. He then fished in his trousers and pulled out his flaccid cock. Leaning forward, he pressed the flat head of his cock to Remus’ dry hole. Remus felt every type of fear he had experienced in his life narrow down and pinpoint to that one moment as the expressionless boy with the glint in his eye stared at him.

“I told you to shut up, Lupin. You want leverage? Screw Sirius. I will rape your virgin ass until it fucking bleeds. I will find you, I will pin you down, and I will fuck you in front of Sirius, I’ll make him fucking watch. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll quiver in fright every time you see a cock, and you’ll still feel me there, in your ass, fucking you every single second of your pathetic existence. So shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!”

Remus was breathing heavily, his shoulders shuddering in fear. He didn’t move, he didn’t speak, and he just stared as William shook in anger. After a minute, he slowly moved away, and Remus sagged in relief.

“Get the fuck out of here, Lupin” He spat, waving his wand and making the ropes melt.

 

 

 

Remus was running through the corridors, tears in his eyes, in a completely blind panic. When he was a young child, he had once been looking at a map in a car while his father drove. His dad had been curious about what the boy found so fascinating, and had looked over his shoulder, just for a second. The car had hit a deer and it made a panicked bleating sound. It had been running stupidly across the road, and had become so frightened, it hadn’t moved out the way; it had simply galloped forward, almost as if it thought it could outrun the machine. Directionless and scared, it hadn’t known what to do.

Remus felt like that deer at the moment. He was so frightened and panicked; he was running without reason, just trying to find something. Anything. Sirius. He headed to the hospital wing without thinking, and luckily, Sirius was still inside, arguing with Madame Pomfrey about letting Remus leave. Remus hid in a side corridor, so when Sirius stormed out, he grabbed his wrist, pulling him inside. He then proceeded to run as far away from teachers and civilization as he could. Sirius was yelling at him and struggling, but Remus just kept running and running.

 He finally stopped, in an empty classroom near the astronomy tower. Slamming the door, he collapsed on all fours and screamed into the ground. He heard Sirius cast a quick silencing spell on the door and walls, before dropping next to him. He continued to scream in complete terror, like a banshee or a ghoul or a broken soul. His throat was hoarse as he gripped his hair, crying in fear, tears and snot sliding down his face. His whole body shook with the impact of his tears.

This type of crying was intense. It wasn’t just crying for the sake of crying, it was crying to purge himself of all the fear of what just happened to him. Remus could feel his soul dribbling out of his mouth as he wailed. He was completely terrified.

Sirius, however, was equally terrified. Kneeling next to the boy he cared so much for, he didn’t know what to do. Seeing Remus in so much pain and knowing he could do nothing to help or stop it made Sirius feel not only weak, but completely helpless. He didn’t even know if he should touch the boy as he screamed and wailed and clutched himself. It was like he was transforming, only there was no cause and no definable end.

Remus sat up, after some time, still sniveling and shuddering. Sirius reached forward hesitantly and wiped Remus’ face with his robes. The moon was a ghostly galleon, light refracting from the paned windows and hitting the boys in small shadows separating squares of light. The wind whispered like a child and the dust rose in the air depending on how much they moved. Time seemed to freeze around them as they sat together, confusion blending with fear to make a deadly cocktail none of them wanted to address.

Remus gulped, his hands shaking.

“Sirius, please hug me. Please. I need…I need a hug.” He didn’t add that he thought this might be one of the last times he’d ever be close to Sirius. He merely pressed his face into the long neck and inhaled deeply, shaking some more. Sirius’ hair was so soft, like downy feathers.

Sirius eventually pulled away.

“Remus, baby, tell me what happened.”

“He-I..I nearly..he..I” Remus tried, he really did, yet he felt his eyes brim with tears once more. The thought had properly formulated in his mind, now. Clear and coherent, it terrified him.

He’d nearly been raped tonight.

Raped.

“Can’t…say. C-Can’t. Sorry. Show you, oh Merlin, I’m so sorry, I’ll have to show you. It was all for nothing, I have to, I can’t, oh god oh god oh god…”

 

 

That was what led to Sirius and Remus breaking into Filches office to use the confiscated Pensieve. Remus cried silently as he extracted the memories from his head. Sirius dived in and saw it all.

He saw everything.


	7. Chapter 7

Hello friends! 

I am SO sorry I took so long to update! I've been very ill these past weeks and haven't had access to a laptop. I promise I'll try not to let it happen again.

On the positive side, I've finally found a beta! Hopefully, my writing will be a lot better quality now ;)

Thank you so much for all the comments, kudos and views. It all means so much to me <3

Warnings: Angst, Violence and threats.

I hope you all have a lovely week ^_^

~AFB

 

 

Sirius’ body was completely still as his head stayed in the Pensive. Remus had heard rumors that people’s body moved depending on what they were doing in the memory. If they were trying to attack the figures of the past out of rage, their legs would twitch and their arms would wave around like an angry duck. If they were running to keep up with some action, their knees would jerk. He’d heard tales of people screaming through the water, bubbles of sound floating up and exploding into the air.

In ancient times, when Dementors were still seen as dark creatures, and never harnessed as a weapon against dark wizards and criminals, the Pensive was used as means of torture. Every human had one memory that they stored in the fragile part of their mind; the dark past, the family secret, the reason for the scars. Everyone had the individual scene, playing in their head every time they wept. It was their tormenter, it was the first time they ever properly cried, and everyone believed their individual memory was the worst thing to exist. So, instead of using Dementors, they merely dunked their captives’ faces into the water and made them relive the moment they truly felt grief. It was impossible to heal a wound if it was routinely opened.

So, Remus half expected to see Sirius twitch and yell through the water, but he merely knelt, completely still. He barely breathed, as his long hair floated around his hidden face like ebony seaweed. Remus sat in the corner of Filch’s office, clutching his knees to his chest and staring at his feet, at the shiny manacles on the ceiling, at the beetle scuttling across the floor. He tried not to look at Sirius, he really did, but his eyes were continually drawn back to the still form.

 Finally, Sirius’ head shot up, and he gasped loudly. His face was still hidden from Remus, who stared at his feet. He was waiting for Sirius to strike him or scream at him. He already had the scene mapped out perfectly in his head. Sirius would call him a whore, or something along those lines. Ask him how he could do that. Why he would do that. Say he couldn’t believe he ever thought he’d liked this pathetic excuse for a human being.

However, Sirius did none of that. He merely stayed facing away from Remus, his body completely still. By now, Remus had looked up, waiting. He couldn’t look away anymore, suspense overruling his shame. As he watched, Sirius’ body slowly fell to the side. His back hit the wall, and Remus’ could see his face.

He was crying.

Remus had only seen Sirius cry once before.

Sirius lost all bravado when he cried. It was apparent that he was one of those people who, when they were crying, it was from genuine grief, not for attention or sympathy. He was completely silent, tears dripping down his cheeks. His breathing hastened, yet the air in his lungs struck no vocal chords, simply whooshing in and out of his throat. His mouth would open from time to time, like a gaping fish.

They sat like that for a while. Sirius was on one side of the room, silently crying, and Remus was on the other, silently watching. The clock ticked monotonously, the only sound that anchored them both to reality.

Time passed in an indefinable way. It may have been minutes, it may have been hours. The two boys trusted their hearts more than any fictitious fact the clock sold them. Time stretched and shortened as grief diluted and breath slowed. When Sirius looked up, his tears dry now, Remus prepared himself for the worst. He could sense the betrayal, and in that exact moment, he felt dirty. Dirty and undeserving of the love Sirius had given him and the love he had thrown away out of fear. However, Sirius only stared, silently. So Remus started to speak.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but I need you to know that I’m so sorry.” It was remarkable he managed to keep his voice steady as he said that. Sirius’ expression curdled into disbelief intertwined with anger.

“What did you just say, Remus?”

“I’m sorry! I’m so, so, completely sorry. You trusted me and you gave me your love, and it took me one day to throw that away and suck another guy off. One day! I was so happy, and everything was perfect, and I ruined it because I’m a complete whore. I don’t deserve you, and I’m so sorry.”

When Remus finished this rant, his voice was shuddering with emotion. Sirius stared at him for a second, before falling forward, his hands hitting the floor. He started to slowly crawl towards Remus, his face down, the black curtain of hair shrouding his features. When he got to the boy, he reached up, placing a hand on each knee. He then pushed down, making Remus’ legs stretch out completely straight and hit the floor under his body, between his legs. He then slowly collapsed, his cheek pressing into Remus’ thigh. His limbs splayed outwards like a broken puppet, and his chest shuddered.

“This is one thing I hate about you, Remus. You’re blaming yourself, even after everything that happened to you. You were sexually manipulated. Damn you, Remus, you were nearly raped. And you are calling yourself a whore? You’re blaming yourself? Damn you, damn you, _damn you_.” He whimpered into his thigh, his breath hot through his robes. Remus kept his arms stiffly at his sides. He never seemed to know what to do. Should he touch Sirius? Was he supposed to leave him be?

“It’s that twisted bastard you should be blaming. He did this, not you. I’m just glad you came to me before it went too far. I would be the most fucked up person in existence if I blamed you for any of this.”

Sirius shuddered, and then breathed out. He lay there for a while, simply breathing. Remus’ back was hurting and he was losing feeling in his legs (Sirius wasn’t exactly light) but he didn’t want to change anything in that moment. He was terrified that if he said the wrong thing, Sirius would decide it was okay to hate him.

After a while, it was clear Sirius was in no state to suggest any course of action. It wasn’t as if they could lie there all night, either. So, Remus lightly threaded his fingers through the long hair.

“Sirius, we have to move. Come on. Get up.”

The boys got up together. Remus stumbled a bit, as pins and needles rendered both of his legs completely useless. He gripped Sirius’ hand and they walked to Gryffindor tower. It was a miracle no-one caught them.

James and Peter were both asleep. There was something comforting about Peter’s snores. They sounded like a tractor today. It was odd how so much could happen, but in the end, some things stayed the same. Peter would always snore. He would keep snoring long after all of this was over, and things were light and happy again.

They both collapsed into Sirius’ bed. Sirius pulled the covers over them and moved to the wall, giving Remus space. He then tilted his head slightly.

“Can I take your robes off? You can’t sleep in them again.”

Remus paused then nodded silently. His eyelids felt heavy.

Sirius handled him like a skittish horse. Gently undoing each button at a time, allowing Remus plenty of space to move away, if he so chose. Soon his pale chest was bare. Then, Sirius pulled back.

“Can I take your trousers off? I won’t do anything, I promise, you have no rea-”

“I trust you”

Soon Remus lay in only his boxers. Sirius had stripped of his clothes too, and still lay away from him, a good few inches of space between them.

“Are you comfortable?”

Remus sighed, his eyelids fluttering closed.

“Just hug me, you idiot. I’m cold.”

Remus fell asleep quickly in Sirius’ arms. Their skin felt cool, pressed together, but soon warmed up in the cocoon of safety that was their blanket. It took Sirius a lot longer to fall asleep, as he lay awake replaying the scenes he’d been forced to see. No matter what Remus thought, it had only made Sirius love him more. Seeing him in so much pain had made him realize he wanted to protect the boy forever. He couldn’t protect Remus from the moon, but he could protect him from a punk like William McKinnon.

Just as Sirius was drifting to sleep, he realized something. Love wasn’t the big, scary thing he always thought it was. He always thought he’d see a girl, he’d find her cute, he’d spend lots of time with her, and then it would hit him, like a freight train in the heart. He’d blink and gasp and go ‘ _wow, I’m in love’._ He knew better now. Love was gradual and subtle, and snuck up on him quietly. However, it didn’t knock him over the head, it merely tapped him on the back and went _hey, I’m here._ He guessed he had always loved Remus. The only thing that changed now was he gave the emotion a label, and in acknowledging its existence, he could feel it, ever more potent.

He loved Remus.

\--

The next day, when Sirius woke up, he’d forgotten about the previous days. He merely saw Remus’ face, childlike in sleep and inches from his. His heart swelled and he leaned forward to kiss him awake. Then he froze, as memory clawed back into his skull. He moved back and stared at Remus, remembering every detail of the memory.

The worst thing about the experience was, in the memory, Sirius had tried to stop it. He’d charged and punched and screamed through the invisible McKinnon as he touched and broke the boy Sirius loved. He’d tried to stop it, and then the realization hit him that he couldn’t stop it because it had already happened.

He lay there and thought as his anger swelled more and more. His fists clenched and shuddered and his teeth ground together, until he could stand it. He sat up, edging slowly over Remus, who continued peacefully sleeping. One thing that was brilliant about Peter’s snoring was it was a great cover for clandestine plans. A bomb could go off and it would be hard to hear it over the noise. Sirius snuck out the room and continued up the stairs of their tower, until he got to the very top. Then he knocked loudly on the door.

William McKinnon answered completely naked. His face contorted in surprise at the sight of Sirius, before relaxing again.

“Oh yeah. I forgot about that. Hm.”

At this, Sirius barged in. The bed sheets were pulled back, and an ancient runes book perched on the pillow. The only light was from a hastily lit lamp on the bedside table, and the rising sun through the window. Sirius locked the door behind him, all the while staring at the smug face opposite him. Seeing William from a first person perspective instead of from a memory shook Sirius inside. This is what it must have been like for Remus, seeing this smug, twisted face staring down at him.

William had sat down on his bed, this legs widening and his face twisted into a leer.

“So, he squealed, did he? Shame, I was hoping for a good lay”

Sirius’ blood began to bubble.

“How could you…What is wrong with you?” 

“Don’t worry mate, he was nothing special. Don’t take it personally, just because I got a bit of his cock before you did. Doesn’t stop us two having a good time, if you want” His words lilted and his head tilted invitingly.

Sirius didn’t see red. He didn’t even see a vague pink mist. He stood, straight-backed and stiff, and it came to him with complete alacrity that he wanted to _kill_ this boy.

William was either more intelligent than he was given credit, or simply extremely lucky. After staring at Sirius for a single second, he lunged for his wand, which lay on his bedside table. If he hadn’t, a hole would’ve blasted through his stomach, as Sirius bellowed, “Deprimo!”, and the bed where William had been perched exploded in a flurry of feathers and splintered wood. William stumbled to the side, and in the cramped room, Sirius could feel the animal heat radiating from the naked boy. He spun around, just avoiding the stinging hex heading for his shoulder in time. It hit the wall and rebounded, shooting at the window and breaking it outwards in millions of shards of glass.

The sound of footsteps running up the staircases wasn’t registered by either of the boys, who now stood opposite each other, their wands outstretched and their chests rising and falling rapidly. Sirius was only half in the moment. The other half of his mind was replaying the memories he had seen, and absorbed in fantasies. Fantasies that involved flames and knives and William’s terrified screams.

He was murderous.

Then, William started to speak, ripping him from his thoughts.

“Guess he showed you, then. I never thought he’d have it in him”

“Shut up”

“Or what? You’ll cry on me? Glare me to death?”

William stepped forward now, his wand pressing into Sirius chest, directly over his heart. He was smiling like a Cheshire cat and Sirius couldn’t stop an animalistic growl slip from his mouth. Not that William heard it, as the hammering on his door grew louder and louder. Sirius guessed it was students, but the teachers wouldn’t be far behind. When William spoke, teachers fled from his mind. Everything fled from his mind, as he became uncomfortably, wholly focused. It was like he was made to do this, born just to make this bastard _pay,_ and everything else didn’t matter, as William started to taunt him.

“Did you see his face the first time? Man, the pure joy on it. Made me proud, y’know. It was me doing that, not you. The first time your bitch ever felt something like that was because of _me._ I touched him, I gave him what he wanted from you because you never had the fucking balls.”

Then, everything went blurry, and Sirius had forgotten magic. He’d forgotten teachers and rules and even Remus. All he knew was he had William by the neck, and he was squeezing too tight. With the other hand he was punching, and he felt return blows to his stomach and ribs in a very numb way. He felt them, but he couldn’t react, as he slammed his fist down and up again, repetitive and coming back wetter and wetter, the blood dripping. He felt his face twisting, the lines of his father’s wrinkles situating in his own forehead, as he dealt the only punishment he knew how.

Soon William was limp, and teachers were bursting in, arms and hands dragging him away. He didn’t struggle, he merely fell limp, staring at the pile of crumpled limbs and bloody robes. He knew he should feel guilty, but now the only thing he worried about was whether his punishment would affect Remus.

 Then he was locked in the hospital wing, with a rather irritated Madame Pomfrey dabbing at his wounds, muttering “Look at the time, really”. Sirius hadn’t noticed at the time, but William had been doing the intelligent thing, shooting a medley of curses at his whole body. Still, there was something oddly satisfying knowing _he_ had created the tearful lump in the other room. The animal part of him preened itself in the dark delight that ran through his family. The delight that kept him bound to Slytherin, through blood and the nature that he couldn’t reject, no matter how much he tried. He hadn’t said words and made a stupid stick of wood hurt William. It was William’s blood under his nails. It was his doing.

He zoned out for what felt like hours, his pulse beating the name Remus, and his lulled mind slowly waking up. When McGonagall stormed in, Sirius straightened his back, looking the furious women in the eye. Even through all of this, he’d give her that respect. She was a formidable witch and everything she was about to say would likely be very true.

“Explain yourself, Black. Why in Merlin’s name would you charge in and attack that boy for no reason. I thought you had more sense.”

Sirius winced. He wished she would shout, instead of sounding so contemptuous. He was also unsure as to whether he should lie or not. Remus’ implication in the whole thing made him nervous. He didn’t know what Remus wanted the teachers to be told. So, he settled for hedging around the questions.

“It was mutual, Professor.” He said shortly, gesturing to his bruised and blotch-covered chest. Madam Pomfrey flapped at his hands as she continued to apply the sticky salve.

“You initiated it, however” She snapped. Sirius shook his head in disbelief.

“What makes you think that? Because he’s worse off than me? Because it was in his dorm? ”

“Just answer the question, Black. Why?”

Sirius paused, the lie uncomfortably forming in his mind. He hated to let William get away with what he did, but he needed to talk to Remus before he said anything.

“He was going to talk to James and get me off the team”

This seemed to stun McGonagall, her eyebrows practically shooting into her scalp.

“Team? What team? The _quidditch_ team?”

“Well, yes. It wasn’t the sole reason, but I guess it gave me an excuse. I also don’t exactly like the guy.”

McGonagall spluttered for a minute, her eyes suspicious. Sirius tried to keep his expression guilt-free, staring her in the eyes the whole time. She didn’t look particularly satisfied, but she let the matter drop, glancing at Madam Pomfrey

“Don’t let him out of this wing, okay?”

Then she turned to Sirius.

“This can’t go unpunished. You are hereby suspended until Christmas. There is only a week left, so you won’t miss much work. Your parents have been owled, and you have lost 100 points to Gryffindor.” After this curt announcement, in which Sirius felt his stomach drop to the center of the earth, McGonagall left silently.

The day passed on slowly. Madame Pomfrey came and went, the ticking clock was the only entertainment Sirius had, and visitors were prohibited until seven. Left alone with nothing but his thoughts, Sirius analyzed, contemplated, blamed and excruciated. It got to the point where he was glad for Madame Pomfrey’s stiff visits, depositing food and more salve. When seven finally ticked around, Sirius stared at the clock. Surely, his friends would visit.

Quarter past.

His foot was jittering now, his hands sweating. It was stupid to be this scared of rejection or this dependent on human interaction. He didn’t even feel guilty for what he did, but he needed confirmation that his friends didn’t hate him. News from the world outside his healing prison wouldn’t be bad, either.

Half past.

He was picking desperately at the blood under his nails. He didn’t want Remus to see it. There was, in Sirius’ mind, a very pointed difference between seeing something and hearing about it. Maybe if Remus had told Sirius William had nearly raped him, Sirius wouldn’t be picking said blood at the moment. When a thought becomes an image, not in mind but in the actual retina, stark realism provokes a more potent emotion. At least, that was the way Sirius thought.

Quarter to eight.

The door slammed open.

James, Remus and Peter all rushed in. Sirius opened his mouth to explain, but he was completely smothered in a hug from James. Then the boy pulled back and punched him hard in the shoulder. Before Sirius could react, he was again interrupted as Remus hugged him. He could feel him inhaling deeply in his neck. Remus did that whenever he was worried or upset. Sirius felt his stomach dip at the thought that he had made Remus feel like that. He ignored the tickling feeling and lightly shut his eyes. When Remus reluctantly pulled away, Peter clapped him on the shoulder. Then, they all dragged chairs and sat around his bed, staring silently. Sirius stared back, his gaze going from face to face. James. Remus. Peter. James. Peter. Remus. James. Remus. Remus. Remus.

He was staring at Remus when James broke the silence.

“Why’d you do it, mate?”

A subtle glance at Remus; an imperceptible shake of his head. Sirius breathed in deeply.

“He’s a cunt, mate. Do I need more of a reason?”

Peter burst in, his face almost looking betrayed.

“But Sirius, you don’t do stuff like that! You wouldn’t really hurt someone for no reason!”

“He’s right, you know” James stated softly, his eyes turning liquid in that pleading way. Sirius was reminded exactly why James was his best friend; they both cared without words and stared to convey meaning. James didn’t care much, but it was obvious when he did.

“He…I…I mean…” Sirius rambled pathetically, before looking at the desperate face Remus was sending him. His silence had been pointed throughout the whole group interaction. Sirius felt the pressure on him to get out of this, so he said the one thing that would make James drop the subject. The one thing only James understood.

“Mate, I’m suspended. They’re sending me home for a week.”

James turned a pale green colour, gripping the bars on Sirius’ bed until his knuckles went white. Remus had noticed; indeed, he was staring so intently, it was unnerving. James and Sirius had always had a mental connection. It was almost like a private radio station only they could tune into. Now, Remus was turning the connection dial, and he was catching snatches of their thoughts, but nothing more.

Peter was oblivious. That, in a way, summed up Peter - well-intentioned, oblivious, and intelligent in all the things that didn’t matter.

“But, Sirius, that doesn’t explain why you did it! I mean, you’re our mate, we know you, you wouldn’t do something like that! Come on, you can tell us!”

“Leave it, Pete. If he wants to tell us, he will”

The group stayed for an hour, before Madame Pomfrey ushered them out, like middle aged alcoholics being shoved out of their favorite bar. They traipsed back to their dorm, making subdued conversation and all ignoring the unanswered question that plagued their minds. Remus tried to participate in the conversation, but he felt on edge, knowing why Sirius had done what he had done.

That was why, when Peter’s machine-like snoring kick started, and James’ breathing relaxed, Remus slipped out of bed. It was a stupid idea, he knew, but he had to do something.

When he snuck into the hospital wing, Sirius jerked awake from a light sleep. He squinted through the darkness, hissing,  
“Who’s there?”

“It’s me”

The response was instantaneous. Sirius straightened out, reaching blindly in the dark as his eyes adjusted.

“Come here, Remus. Please. I need a hug.”

They hugged quietly for a long time. Not too hard, and not exactly comfortably. Remus’ back was bent and Sirius had to reach up to get his arms around the boy. However, they didn’t care, as they merely sat and enjoyed the feeling of mutual contact with the one they loved.

When Sirius pulled away, he pulled Remus’ hands with him. The boy awkwardly turned and perched on the bed.

“Sirius, both of us won’t fit. You’re too big, mate.”

Sighing, he let go. Remus fell to his knees by the bed, resting his forehead on the sheets. Sirius reached out and started to stroke his hair lightly.

“Are you okay?”

Remus looked up in disbelief.

“Berk. I should be asking you that. You’re the one in a bloody hospital wing.”

Sirius shrugged.

“It’s nothing. The worm barely touched me.”

Remus reached up to lightly press the bruise blooming across Sirius’ sternum.

“It is not nothing.”

He paused, before continuing.

“I don’t have much time. If I get caught here, I’ll be in serious trouble.”

“Remus, the S word”

Remus smiled sadly at the old joke. Trust Sirius to be making wise-cracks now, looking as battered and bruised as Remus did after a full moon.

“Why’d you do it? I mean, I know why you did it, but, why didn’t you talk about it? I would’ve listened.”

He spoke softly, his head tilted.

“Would you have let me?”

“That’s not the point”

“I think it is…”

Remus didn’t reply as Sirius tone darkened. A silence passed.

“Remus…can I tell them? What he did to you, I mean.”

He was already shaking his head.

“No. Please, mate, please don’t. I don’t want people knowing…”

“But he can’t get away with it!”

“He hasn’t. You made sure of that.”

Another pause. The clock ticked on and on, and the frosty wind battered to flimsy window panes. The high-pitched rattling sounded like shrieks of pain, as it slowly started to snow. Remus stared, mesmerized. He hoped it would settle; he loved snow. Sirius broke into his reverie.

“I won’t say anything. That is, unless he does it again. Then, I’m sorry, no matter what you say, I’ll tell Dumbledore.”

“That…I don’t like it. But, I can’t stop you”

“No, you can’t.”

The silence was almost unpleasant. Not awkward, but…stilted. It didn’t flow smoothly with the seconds like their silences normally did. It jolted and jarred, and the ticking of the clock was unpleasantly loud. Remus stood up silently.

“I should be going, then”

Sirius reached out and lightly grabbed his wrist.

“Can you kiss me?”

Remus cocked his eyebrow. A question he couldn’t identify formed in his gut. Something he knew he wanted to ask, but he couldn’t find the words. Why was it, there were so many words, so many books and forms of expression, yet now, when it seemed to count the most, his brain just short-fired. Sirius never had this problem. He always knew what to say.

The kiss was chaste. Just two lips pressing against each other. Sirius’ lips were dry, Remus’ cold, yet the clung together in a melancholy embrace. Remus felt like this was the last time he’d see Sirius. When they broke apart, they stared at each other for a second.

“Will you visit Prongs’ over Christmas? I know you had it planned, but your parent’s change their mind a lot.”

Remus nodded, cupping Sirius’ cheek.

“Will I see you there?” He flinched at the neediness in his own voice, but Sirius didn’t react.

“Yes, I’ll get there as soon as my suspension finishes. I can’t turn up a week early, it’d be rude.”

The worry radiated from Remus, who gnawed on his lip like a starved dog.

“Remus, stop, you’ll make it bleed. It’ll be fine. I’ll see you in a week.”

They kissed once more, and Remus crept back up to his dorm with a strange ache and a question still burning in his mind.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, friends.  
> I am SO SORRY. I can't be forgiven. I'm atrocious, I'm horrific, I know.  
> I've just decided to post everything now, as a little Christmas present for anyone left who cares :3  
> This is poorly edited and barely proofread. I'm sorry >.

** Chapter Eight **

** (Au-Potter’s know about the animagi) **

The final week of school was excruciating for Remus. The students were buzzing like a hive of interested, confused bees. Everyone had a new theory on why Sirius attacked William, with certain themes staying strong throughout the tales, and then being dropped by whim when someone thought of something new. Stories of lust, blackmail and betrayal circulated, ranging from painfully believable, to entirely convoluted, to the point of conspiracy.   Remus kept his head down, trying not to comment as his guilt throbbed.

James and Peter didn’t question him, for which he was eternally grateful. Their nights were spent in a quiet corner of the common room, playing cards and idly chatting. None of them had the heart to prank anyone without that irritating, arrogant voice chipping in every five seconds. Remus stopped sleeping entirely, going three days before collapsing on the stairs up to his dormitory the next night. He felt a new appreciation for James and Peter, who didn’t mention anything the next morning.

Remus had never been so happy to leave Hogwarts. His spirits peaked as he entered the train. Indeed, they were all happy. Peter was coming after Christmas, and Remus’ parents had given him permission to go straight to James’ house. They’d all be united soon, and the three boys could feel it in the air. Infectious grins spread between them like a contagious disease. The train rattled and their voices pitched in volume, as they lost years of worry in seconds and stared at the snow beating the windows angrily. They were leaving home and going to it, all at the same time, and Remus felt truly at peace for a long, long time.

 

When Remus got to James’ house, he took in the familiar sight. The thin, three story house seemed more welcoming than his own home ever would. The house resided in a little wizarding village, surrounded by twins of itself, each with a sizeable space separating it from others. They had bay windows, arching doorframes and low ceilings. It seemed to create an atmosphere of another time, yet it felt lived-in and suitable. James’ father was a relaxed man who Remus had never seen in anything but slippers, and who constantly smelt of baking ingredients. James’ mother was more solemn, knowing what action to do and when to do it. Yet, she had a mothering quality about her that was hard to describe. This was something that James’ house indirectly radiated; the feeling of acceptance and love that was easily felt yet hard to pin down.

Remus and James both slept in the spare room on the third floor. This floor was interesting, as it had rooms filled with artifacts the Potter’s had yet to throw out. It was a treasure trove of mortifying baby photos, charmed cats that slept on the ceiling like bats, and endless clutter. Remus never knew why James’ family owned all of that stuff, and he never cared to ask.

After a delicious meal filled with casual conversation, easy laughter, and several jokes at James’ expense, all courtesy of Mr. Potter, the two boys headed up to bed. They slept on single beds separated by a large, red wardrobe with chipped, flaky paint. Another bed was across the room, and a mattress was laid out for when Peter visited. At the wardrobe was so big, Remus could only see the top of James’ chest down.

With their faces completely hidden from each other, they started to talk.

“Remus, you awake?”

“You think I’m going to sleep at all?”

“I guess not…can I ask you something?”

“Go for it.”

“You and Sirius…I mean…”

Remus breathed in deeply, staring up at the ceiling.

“We’re…I don’t know what to call it, to be honest. We’ve kissed. He makes me happy.”

“And…William?”

Remus closed his eyes now, flinching at the onslaught of memories; the chair, the rope. The cigarette boy’s twisted face. He tried to edit down what he told James. He hated to lie, but he didn’t know if he could admit it yet. The shame was still there.

“He never really liked Sirius. I think he guessed or something, and tried to use it to his advantage. From what Sirius told me, he was saying he’d…do stuff to me”

James sucked in a breath

“Jesus”

“Yeah”

Some more time passed. Remus’ thoughts curdled and his face twitched nervously.

“Are you okay?”

Another sigh. Some more time. His thoughts increased in potency, and he realized right then that he needed Sirius.

“I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I just need to see him”

He heard James turn over. His breathing became heavier.

“I understand. And, you will. Tomorrow…”

And, just like that, James dropped off to sleep.

 

Remus stayed awake, staring at the ceiling for hours and hours. The bat-cats stared back with unnerving eyes. When it became apparent he wasn’t going to sleep, he sat up, scratching his neck. He tried to leave the room silently, but James had a notoriously creaky house, so it was virtually impossible. Even walking down the hallway sounded vaguely like setting off landmines every time his foot touched the floor. He was hoping against hope that the Potter’s had some decent tea in stock. Mrs. Potter was rather fond of Fruit&Herbal tea, which Remus honestly found abhorrent. All the other times he’d managed to find a good chamomile, courtesy of Mr. Potter, yet tonight could always be a first.

When he got down the stairs, he could finally locate a clock. It was quarter-past two. Just as he stopped by the door to the kitchen, a sound from the living room attracted his attention. It was a whimper. The whimper of a dog.

A dog?

Remus turned around and bolted into the room. He couldn’t think of any reason why Padfoot would be whimpering in the Potter’s lounge unless he was in pain. Sirius sometimes transformed into Padfoot and stayed as him when he experienced trauma. Sirius had told him it was because his thoughts were so much simpler as Padfoot. He knew pain but he didn’t always know why he felt it.

It would be terribly embarrassing if he were wrong, but sure enough, as the door slammed open, he saw Mr. and Mrs. Potter both crouched over Padfoot. As his panic-blurred eyes focused like the lens of a camera, he almost took a step back at the horror of what he saw.

Padfoot’s fur was matted with blood and his limbs were twitching like a dying bug. His eyes were glassy, his breath was ragged, and he convulsed as much as a dog can. Remus didn’t know if he was having a fit, dreaming or just trying to struggle away from the prying hands of the Potters. The fireplace was just dimming down, and Remus put the pieces together in horror. There was _no_ way Sirius had flooed here in this state. He _couldn’t_ have.

Remus opened his mouth to speak, but Mr. Potter already had his hands on his chest, pushing him out the room.

“You don’t want to see this, son”

“Let me in there! I can help him turn back!”

“My wife knows what she’s doing. Why are you even up?”

“Insomnia. What’s happened to him!?”

Mr. Potter then got a very uncomfortable look on his face.

“Remus, you should go to bed.”

“Please! Just…I’ll wait. I’ll wait here. Just let me talk to him when he changes.”

Mr. Potter shook his head firmly.

“He won’t be in the condition to talk, Remus. He’s not staying as Padfoot by choice; he physically can’t change back because he’s in too much pain.”

“Oh Merlin…Can that happen?”

“Yes. Remus, you won’t help anything by doing this. Go to bed.”

Remus walked upstairs in a trace. With his tea forgotten and his mind racing, he didn’t sleep that night.

 

The next day, when Remus went to get breakfast, his hand jerked. The cup fell and smashed everywhere, scalding his feet with tea.

Sirius was still asleep, yet, luckily, human now.

Remus wasn’t allowed to see him.

 

The next day, Remus still hadn’t slept. He was desperate now, trying to sneak into James’ bedroom on the second floor-where Sirius was staying-at any moment. It was quite rude of him, and he could feel himself testing the Potters usually steel patience. However, he didn’t care, he couldn’t care. He needed to see Sirius.

Sirius was awake now, but could barely sit up.

 

On the third day since Sirius returned, the Potters finally let James and Remus see him. The adults left the room and nodded to the tense boys, who both looked like they were at the start line of a race. They burst in the room and skidded to a halt. Sirius was sat up, and he tried to grin, he really did. The splits around his mouth wouldn’t allow it, however. He had a black eye, and bruises littered his face. They were new bruises, not ones given to him by William. His chest had several lacerations and similar bruises covering it, like a new purple and blue layer of skin. His shoulders slouched, so unlike his proud, pure-blood posture. He was a wreck of a person.

James reacted first. Walking slowly over to his friend, he patted his shoulder, ever-so-lightly.

“Damn, it was bad this time”

Remus was the antithesis. Snapping out of his shock, he charged over. He didn’t touch Sirius; he simply roved his eyes over his batter body in absolute terror. He’d never seen Sirius like this. He couldn’t process it. All he could think was _this was Sirius_. Sirius was stupid, made poor decisions, and annoyed the wrong people, but he never got _hurt._

He wasn’t even looking at Remus. He was staring at James, almost as if _James_ was his…was the boy he loved. Not Remus. Why wasn’t he looking at Remus?

“Tell him, James. I don’t want to talk about it. I need…I need time alone.”

“Sirius…” Remus whispered, and Sirius glowered down at the sheets.

“Please, just leave. I’ll be better tomorrow.”

 

James took him out of the room, ignoring his parents’ sympathetic looks. They went up to the spare room, and James told Remus everything he’d been too stupid to see. Remus didn’t cry. He merely blinked. They both stared at each other for a long time, before James suggested they left the house to take their minds off it. They went to the wizarding village and looked around in every quaint little corner shop. Remus even laughed at some things James said. It was only later that night when Remus allowed a few tears to slip free, before crashing into a blissfully empty sleep.

 

It took days for Sirius to return to normal, but eventually, he did. The silences became less prolonged and pointless, the laughter became more frequent. He moved up to the spare room and slept opposite Remus. One night, with Remus guarding the Potters bedroom, James and Sirius stole half of the firewhisky Mr. Potter owned. That night was crazy and ridiculous, and Remus woke up with a gnome sitting on his face. It was crazily lucky the Potters didn’t notice the three boys were more bleary-eyed than usual. Every noise that was louder than a whisper made them all simultaneously flinch.

Another thing Remus noticed was Sirius was getting more and more comfortable with easy affection in front of others. The Potters had merely raised an eyebrow when, one chilly breakfast morning, Remus had said something completely stupid. Sirius and James had roared with laughter while Remus looked at the floor in mortification. That had prompted Sirius to fling and arm around the boy and sloppily kiss his cheek, almost like Padfoot. If Remus could blush, he would’ve turned scarlet. His stiffness only made Sirius laugh more.

Another time, they’d been shopping for Christmas presents. It had turned out that all of them had forgotten or put off buying a present for Peter; probably because he was so bloody hard to buy for. The only interest Remus knew for certain he had was muggle literature, and, as a rule, he never bought specific books for people. It was just too risky.

They had split up. James was in a sweet shop, and Remus and Sirius had gone to a Prank shop. Sirius emerged with some stink pellets, and Remus had some nose-biting teacups. Just as they started to walk to the sweet shop, Sirius had spotted an alley and promptly hustled the protesting Remus there. Once in the constricted space, they had both dropped their bags. Remus’ back was jammed against a wall, and Sirius was nestling closer to him, their thighs aligning perfectly.

“Can I kiss you?” Sirius breathed, his pupils dilated, “I haven’t kissed you for such a long time”

The swelling around his eye was still prominent, Remus noticed. He silently nodded, and Sirius kissed him. It was different from the other times, yet it wasn’t bad. His legs shook from the force of it, his heartbeat becoming painfully hard to ignore. The light snow swirled around them and stuck to their clothes as Sirius’ tongue battled with his own. They gripped each other, panting like animals, yet never going louder than a soft moan. Then, Sirius pulled back, smirking proudly.

“Better get back to James”

As they left the alley, they saw James standing outside the shop. He raised an eyebrow when he saw his friends leave a dark alleyway together. Sirius grinned, walking past Remus and slapping his arse lightly. The latter reigned in his yelp, merely deciding to glare at the idiot.

 

Of course, Sirius was far from better. Neither was Remus. They both had their demons, and sometimes they both could not ignore them. They would collapse into silence of stutter to a halt during conversations. But, slowly, the snow, light conversation and gentle touching seemed to work on the two boys. It didn’t change what happened to them, but as Christmas came closer and closer, they both became happier. They sung along to the songs, they giddily ran about the house. They laughed when James tumbled off the stepladder, trying to put the angel on top of the tree.

Time moved on, and they slowly got better.

 

Christmas day dawned gloriously chilly. Remus always thought there was no other way one should have a Christmas. Sun, rain, wind, they all had their subtle charms. However, snow swirling and hitting the windows looked so peaceful and _right_ at this time of year.

Remus woke up with Sirius hugging his waist. He must have crawled into his bed in the night. It was a stupid idea, as it was a single bed, so Sirius was hanging desperately off the edge like a man hanging off a cliff. Yet, somehow, he still managed to be snoring softly. Somehow. Music was playing through the house, giving it a lovely cozy atmosphere. Mrs. Potter was a huge fan of the muggle singer Frank Sinatra. That was why his voice, doing a cover of ‘Let it Snow’ was the first thing Remus heard.

A few blissful minutes later, Remus heard one of the Potters veritably galloping up the stairs. It was too late, however, as he hissed to the boy

“Sirius, get up, someone might-”

“Morning everyone! It’s Christmas! Come on, up, up, up, I’m not letting you sleep away this day!” Mr. Potter sounded like an ecstatic drill sergeant. He completely stopped, however, catching sight of the two lumps in Remus’ bed.

“Sirius, Remus, why are you in the same bed? It’s a single bed, it can’t be that comfortable”

He asked casually, opening the curtains by James’ bed. As morning sunlight flooded in, James hissed like a vampire and dived under his covers.

“No, you don’t, Jamie. Come on, it’s Christmas!”

“Dad, Merlin’s pants, five minutes.”

At that, Mr. Potter proceeded to yank the covers off James, revealing him in his groaning, boxer-clad glory. He then turned back to Sirius and Remus, still wrapped around each other.

While this was happening, Sirius had managed to surface from sleep slightly. He was nuzzling Remus’ stomach with his nose, even as Remus tried to shove him away. After the third try, Sirius gave up. Instead, he placed a hand on Remus’ chest, and sat up, turning to face Mr. Potter.

“We’re bent” He managed to get out, around a gigantic yawn.

“Oh, wonderful, I must tell Jane. Right, I want you all downstairs in ten minutes.”

At that, he bustled out of the door. Sirius and Remus looked at each other, before breaking down into relieved laughter.

“James, your parents are brilliant.”

Sirius called to James, who was grumpily stomping around the room, looking for clean clothes.

“You’ve still got your bloody covers on” the irritated grumble replied.

 

They all stumbled down the stairs eventually, and Mrs. Potter gave them a slight smile.

“Oh, good. I was just about to send a howler up”

Breakfast tasted beautiful, and everyone laughed more. Mr. and Mrs. Potter kissed over their toast, making their son gag. This prompted Sirius to lean over and kiss Remus. While embarrassed, he was still happy. The two couples broke into hysterics at James’ petrified wail.

“My parents and my two best mates! Merlin, please, have pity!”

They all opened presents, and spent the rest of the day entranced by their new gifts. Remus hardly saw Mr. Potter at all; one would think the kitchen was his prison. Mrs. Potter was thrilled with her new books on Arithmancy, and immediately started reading it as soon as all her presents were open. This left the three boys to their own devices. They had a marvelous time, telling jokes and enjoying their new presents.

Sirius had been touching Remus all day. Little touches, like the trailing of fingertips, the contact of his sock-clad foot under the table. His breath tickling his ear when he talked to him. By the end of the day, Remus felt warm every time Sirius looked at him.

When they all went up to bed at an ungodly hour, Remus went into the room first. He collapsed on his bed, chuckling to himself. Maybe he’d had a bit too much eggnog.

Sirius came in a minute later and sat on his bed, staring at Remus with dewy eyes. Remus tilted his head slightly.

“”Where’s Prongs?”

“I asked him to stay in his bedroom for tonight. A sort of Christmas present, if you will. ”

Remus’ breath hitched.

“Why?”

Sirius paused, leaning forward,

“I need to ask you something, Remus.”

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: 3000 words of badly written porn.  
> AKA- Sexual content.

** Chapter Nine **

Remus sat limply, almost like a doll. His eyes had widened as his mind rushed. He was frantically trying to figure out if he was reading the situation terribly wrong. Sirius smiled hesitantly at him, almost reading his thoughts.

“Yes, Remus. This is what you’re thinking.”

Remus drew in a shuddering breath, his eyes flickering to every part of Sirius’ body, slipping from one place to another as his heart shuddered and stuttered.

“I’ve never-”

“Oh, I know”

“I mean, apart from-”

“Yeah”

There was a silence between them. The two boys often fell into silence, but this one was richer. It dripped with honey and gold and brittle thoughts. Thoughts that broke and disintegrated, only sometimes connecting.

“I think I love you, Sirius,” Remus breathed, looking down at his thighs, “I think my brain is small and under-developed, and I don’t really think I can experience love in it’s fullest at my age. However, to the extent that is possible, I love you. I love your stupid face and everything you say and…I don’t know, really.”

Then came another pause; simpler and tense, as Remus waited.

“Wow. I don’t know what to say.”

To say Remus’ stomach dropped would be an understatement. It was more like his stomach had never existed. All he felt was empty, aching and hollow.

“Oh. Oh, Merlin, I’m sorry. Sorry to make you uncomfortable. ”

“I didn’t mean that. Your feelings are mutual, but I’ve forgotten how to speak.”

“Oh.”

Remus looked up, meeting Sirius’ eyes. He looked cautious and elated at the same time.

“Do you want to have sex? We don’t have to go all the way, especially here, but, we could just try some things. Whatever you’re comfortable with. ”

Remus sat back, pondering what Sirius asked in complete elation intertwined with nerves. Then, before he could reply, the question that had been tickling the back of his mind revealed itself.

“Sirius, why do you always ask?”

This seemed to take Sirius completely aback.

“Huh?”

“I’m not saying it’s bad. But you always ask. Always before you kiss me, always before you do anything. Why?”

Sirius paused.

“Well, there’s the thing with that bastard, McKinnon. I can’t do what he did to you. I won’t.”

Remus sensed more, so he waited patiently. The sun had started to go down, painting the walls in a hazy orange. Most of the bat-cats were starting to wake up, which was disconcerting.

“Did I ever tell you about my first kiss?”

Remus snorted,

“Of course. You wouldn’t shut up about it. It was in Third year. Mary MacDonald snogged you for half an hour behind the greenhouses. ”

Sirius shook his head silently.

“I was in second year, technically. I never told you. It was summer holidays, before I started practically living with the Potters. Some pure-blood snobs came to visit us, and they had a daughter who’d just left Hogwarts. I stayed away from the whole meeting, but she came into my room. I found out later we were actually very distant cousins”

Sirius made grimaced in disgust, before continuing doggedly.

“She sat and talked to me for a while. I didn’t really like her, but I didn’t ask her to leave. She wasn’t doing anything bad. She just made me feel…uncomfortable. On edge. Well, long story short, she asked if I thought she was pretty. I didn’t want to be rude, so I said ‘you’re not ugly’. Then she just kind of sat next to me and started kissing me. She completely shoved her tongue down my throat. It was horrible.’”

A shudder broke up the rant.

“I tried to push her away, but she was older and bigger than me. So, I punched her in the stomach. She pulled back and slapped me, before running and telling my parents. I think they told her to do it, or something. Keep the blood pure” His tone was saturated in scorn.

Remus didn’t succumb to the silence, not this time. He stood up and strode over, sitting next to Sirius and lacing their fingers together. He squeezed Sirius’ hand, receiving a grateful look.

“That’s why I always have to ask, Remus. I don’t care if people find it ‘passionate’ or ‘attractive’. Consent isn’t optional.”

He closed his eyes for a moment.

“Remus, I’d rather not think about that right now. I’m here with you. Not her.”

 Remus smiled up at him, hiding the look of sympathy and changing the subject. He let go of his hand and leant up, kissing him softly.

“I’d like to do some things. I mean, I want to feel good. Maybe not all the way, but…yeah”

Sirius’ opened his eyes and chuckled softly, stretching his legs and jumping up with new enthusiasm.

“You’re so adorable. You don’t like saying things bluntly, do you?”

He was facing away from Remus, muttering incantations silently at the door and walls. He then pointed his wand at the floor and muttered again. He couldn’t see the childish scowl Remus shot at him.

“I don’t know, Sirius, I thought ‘Gimme a blowjob mate’ might kill the romantic tension”

“Oh, Remus,” Sirius smirked, glancing over his shoulder. Remus became scarily entranced with the way his hair slid off his shoulder like water.  “Sex is romantic, but it doesn’t need to be tense. It can be fun and happy and relaxed, all things I think we need now. I’ll take care of you.”

“Relaxed. Fun. Right. Um, isn’t it supposed to hurt? People have described it like being ripped before. Ripping, that is. The sensation of, um, ripping”

Sirius grimaced, his brow furrowing.

“It’s not always pleasant at first, but it never feels like that. Someone has seriously fucked up if that happens.”

Now finished performing all the needed spells, he turned around to face Remus. A slight smirk blessed his features, and his stance changed completely. His shoulders drew up and his feet widened. He seemed to be emulating a panther, of sorts. At least, that was what Remus started to think, before he realized how entirely cliché and _wrong_ that was. Sirius didn’t look slightly animalistic. He was predatory in a very human way, with a self-aware flicker in his eyes. He knew what he was doing, and that in itself made him seem even more attractive.

Remus wasn’t used to things like this. He wasn’t used to looking at someone and feeling his cock throb, not without feeling a shockwave of shame run under his skin. Instinct made him want to guilty run away and wank alone, never telling anybody that he felt like this. However, he stayed where he was, only alleviating his predicament by closing his thighs and wriggling slightly, grasping at the subtlest of friction he could gather. It was lost on Sirius, whose eyes darkened knowingly. He then turned and walked to the side of the room, his eyes focused on his bag. 

“I always thought you were beautiful, Remus. You never noticed, of course. You don’t realize the impression you have on people. Even before I discovered I liked boys, I noticed your skin. It’s so fucking smooth, sometimes I just wanted to touch it. Then I started to think about how you’d react when I touched it. I realized I wanted to make you react.  ”

Remus was starting to hear the blues of John Coltrane playing under the light buzzing in his mind. Sirius bent down to rummage around inside, and Remus gulped, staring gormlessly. When he straightened, holding a small tube with clear liquid inside, he winked at Remus, before slowly walking towards him.

Each step reverberated on the wooden floor.

He sat down next to Remus, discarding the tube to the side placing a hand lightly on his thigh. He waited until Remus looked at him, before trailing his hand inwards lightly. His touch was light through his robes, yet Remus still shivered. Said shivering only doubled as Sirius started to talk softly.

“Tell me what you want. ”

Remus’ mind seemed to have mislaid his mind somewhere in the joint between Sirius’ neck and shoulder.

“I, uh. I want you to touch me. And I want to touch you. And see you. Merlin, these robes are so thick. ”

Sirius chuckled

“Ok, what aren’t you comfortable with?”

“Um. I don’t want to have sex. I mean, not yet. That is.”

“Can I finger you?”

Remus felt dizzy and ever-so hot at that. He really couldn’t think at all. He’d been reduced to the same brain capacity as Peter.

“What?”

“Can I finger you? Y’know. Slide my finger in your arse and fuck you with it. Make you writhe. That kind of stuff.”

Remus blinked.

“Holy fuck. How do you talk like that? Holy fucking Merlin. ”

He was talking without thinking, and he reached down to squeeze his cock, which was feeling uncomfortable now. He hurried on, wanting to get moving. His embarrassment was still there, just harder to feel under the throbbing.

“Yes, Sirius. Just don’t hurt me and, oh Merlin, touch me.”

“So, you like it when I talk? ”

There was definitely a teasing quality to Sirius’ voice now, as his hand insistently stayed where it was. Remus ground his teeth.

“You. Complete. Git.”

Sirius laughed and drew his hand away completely. He then started efficiently slipping his clothes off. Leaving his trousers, his shirt fell to the bed in a moment. He threw it to the side, while an impatiently horny Remus gawked at the movement of his muscles. He then reached across to lightly grab Remus’ wrist.

“Sit between my legs. Come on.”

Remus allowed himself to be pulled, and he nestled in front of Sirius. His back was pressed tightly against his chest, and he could see Sirius removing his shoes with his toes. He jumped slightly when Sirius’ breath tickled his ear.

“You’ll get plenty of opportunities to touch me. Right now, this is about you.”

One hand returned to his thigh, stroking up and down, the grip firmer. Another pressed to his stomach. His fingers threaded through the gaps between the buttons of Remus’ shirt, the fingertips dusting his skin. Now the hand on his thigh had gone under, lifting Remus’ leg and hooking over Sirius’ thigh. The same happened to his other leg, but Remus couldn’t notice anymore, because Sirius had started to languidly lick his neck, making him squirm.

“You’re so beautiful.”

Remus could feel Sirius pressing into the base of his spine, and he shivered. He didn’t trust himself to speak; not now Sirius was slowly unbuttoning his shirt, exposing his flesh to the icy air. When his shirt was completely undone, Sirius pushed it off his shoulders, keeping it at his elbows. Remus could only partially use his arms now, so he gripped Sirius’ thigh, shuddering.

“Do you like this?”

He didn’t trust himself to speak, instead letting out a quiet moan. Sirius’ mouth transferred to his shoulder, biting along it experimentally. Remus only reacted when Sirius bit lightly around the edges of one of his scars. He sensed the triumph in the way Sirius then started to mouth it eagerly, making Remus’ body twitch periodically. His hands were trailing all over his chest and abdomen, digging nails in at certain points. When he felt an index finger faintly brush the edge of his nipple, Remus tensed.

“Do that again”

Sirius then pressed the flat of his thumb against it, and Remus quivered. He felt Sirius smile against the skin of his back.

“Some people are sensitive. I’m not personally, but it’s nice to feel you react. We’ll definitely do more with that, some day.”

He then proceeded to pinch his nipple lightly. Remus jumped, and felt his cock harden slowly. He began to breathe heavily, his hips thrusting up in increments as he searched desperately for some imaginary form of friction. A hand laced through his hair and tugged, pulling his head to the side. The kiss they shared was sloppy and unfocused, yet just dirty enough to make Remus whine and chase Sirius’ mouth when it left.

Sirius’ eyes were dark now, his gaze seeping into Remus’ skin. He pulled the shirt away, freeing Remus’ arms, and tugged the boy back against his chest. Remus was squirming slightly as Sirius leaned to the left, picking up the lube.

“Can I feel your cock, Remus? I’ve wanted to for such a long time. It looks so desperate for attention at the moment. Can I touch you?”

“Do it. Fuck me, touch it, please?”

“Which one?”

Before Remus could scream at Sirius, the boy undid his trousers and shucked them off. It was awkward and took time, but finally they lay on the floor, and Remus was only in his boxers. Sirius’ chin rested on his shoulder as he looked down. Then, he slowly tugged them down over his cock, his breathing quickening as the head appeared. It was the colour of cherries and slick with pre-cum.

Remus jumped in alarm as he felt Sirius grab his hips, grinding up into his arse violently. He panted and his grip was tight enough to bruise, making Remus squirm.

“Sirius, stop it!” He said quickly, anxiety heightening his voice. Immediately Sirius let go, moving back as far as he could.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Do you want to stop?”

Remus shook his head, placing his hand on Sirius’ thigh again.

“Please, continue. You just startled me a bit. Y’know. It’s all a bit intense.”

He felt Sirius nod, then hesitantly place his hands back on Remus’ hips. When the boy didn’t protest, they smoothed down his legs, unhooking them from his own. Now Remus wasn’t spread eagled, he could feel how hard his cock was against his own thighs. His body felt tense with anticipation and a flame curled in his stomach. Sirius dragged his boxers down slowly, until they too lay on the floor. He then moved Remus’ legs back up to the position. Remus glanced to the side, looking in awe at the expression of intense concentration on his lover’s face.

The hand that touched him was soft and smooth with thick amounts of lube. Remus groaned at the alien feeling, the different angle and grip. It slowly moved from base to tip, and then Sirius pressed his thumb into his slit. That made Remus nearly keen like an animal, and Sirius let out a breathy laugh.

“Feels good, right?”

Remus started to pant, his chest expanding and his body sticking to Sirius’ as he started to sweat. His hips jolted and jarred in protest and pleasure, and everything felt peaceful and exciting at the same time.

When he felt a finger smothering his exposed hole with lube, he could have sworn he nearly came. His legs kicked out and his stomach jumped as all the breath left him in a breathy groan. Sirius was biting his neck now, sucking the bite marks and licking them gently. His finger circled Remus’ hole, and it twitched. That was one of the weirdest things Remus had ever felt to date, but he didn’t object.

“Do you want me inside you, Remus? I’ll be gentle, I promise. I’ll make sure you’ll be slick enough for me to slide in and open you up. Do you want that? I’ll make sure you’re twitching in so much pleasure you won’t be able to think, let alone speak. Remus come on, you know- ”

“Fucking do it now, or I swear to Merlin-”

At that, the very tip of his finger slipped inside, and Remus cock filled. Sirius grip was firm now, his wrist twisting on his prick as his other finger slowly inched inside.

There was a hint of discomfort, but his cock provided a hearty distraction. He turned his head to kiss Sirius, their tongues swirling calmly around one another, as Remus jolted from discomfort or pleasure every now and then. It took a couple of minutes in which Remus felt Sirius uneasily shifting his finger at different angles, before Remus felt it.

Merlin, he felt it.

He didn’t know what _it_ was, but he felt his hips buck and he unintentionally bit down on Sirius’ tongue. Sirius yelped slightly, his finger pressing upwards in reflex, and Remus felt himself scream. His hips ground down and his cock dribbled cum. His eyes watered and his mouth stretched open in a silent shout of sorts. Sirius had regained composure, so the pressure on the little spot was more bearable. It was still torturous and controlling, but less so. The finger lazily stroked over it, and the pace at his prick was quickening. He was digging his nails into Sirius’ thighs now, so hard he was surprised they hadn’t bled.

 “Sirius, fuck, let me cum, please, fucking please”

The mouthing at his swollen neck was softer now, and the pressure of his finger increased. He picked up speed, until Remus’ spine was rolling into his back and he was cumming, harder than he had ever came before.

He entered a state of blank, panting pleasure, and it took him a long time to come down from that, even as his cock stopped twitching. He fell to the side and sat next to Sirius, staring straight ahead.

“Bloody hell, Sirius. Why didn’t we do that before?”

He heard a low, chuckle, followed by a sharp inhalation of air. Glancing to the side, he saw Sirius stroking his cock quickly, pre-cum making it glisten. He started to reach across to help, but Sirius shook his head vehemently.

“Next time” He panted, his hips thrusting up madly and he fondled his balls with his other hand. Remus stared at his convulsing limbs and erratic movements, watching his face contort and scrunch up. Deciding to ignore the boy, he leaned across to gently suck Sirius’ neck, as the other boy had been doing earlier. It was a simple movement, yet it made Sirius groan, shooting cum all over his lap. His head hit the wall with a thump that dislodged Remus’ sucking mouth, and his eyes opened wide.

It took the boys half an hour to finally get up and clean themselves. By then, they were so tired, they could only pull on pajamas before collapsing in bed.


	10. Chapter 10

Epilogue 

Over the rest of the holiday and the next year, the relationship of the boys developed in intricate and complicated ways. Sexually, romantically and individually they grew as people and as a couple. They had their good times, they had their bad times, but they were blissfully domestic and normal in a way that no good story should ever write about, lest the reader flee on the spot.

However, The Dark Lord was rising, stronger than ever. Even in their last year, even while doing their N.E.W.T’S, the children bordering on adulthood knew not everything would count. They were the unlucky generation, too young to be prepared and too old to escape. People were dying, betrayal was more common than acquaintance and the world was dark.  Yet, within the walls of Hogwarts, it was so easy to fall into a dream. A dream, a denial, whatever opinion people had of what Hogwarts was, it didn’t change the fact it was their happiness. That year was the memories everyone cast back to, when they found out the McKinnon’s had been found dead, or when another trusted family betrayed Dumbledore. Lily and James started dating, and were a gorgeous couple. All the Marauders passed their N.E.W.T’s, even Peter, who was placed within advance muggle studies and thrived.

Remus and Sirius could appreciate love within that year. They were overtly sexual, quietly serious, and completely ridiculous in their conversations and rituals. They were friends; they were lovers and they were everything in between, and in that, they were accepted. By others and by themselves.

When they left school, Remus joined the Order of Phoenix. That night, the couple made love for hours, Remus’ joy bleeding into his touches with the simple fact that he was worth something. That he was doing something worthwhile. That he could.

Sirius was planning on training to become a curse breaker. Or a quidditch trainer…he couldn’t decide and wasn’t planning to any time soon.

Then Harry was born and the Potters were betrayed.

However brief it was, Sirius and Remus were happy. They had their time of love and comfort, before everything came crashing down around them.

The rest, as you know, is history.

 

 


End file.
